


Beyond Reflection

by Taurnil



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Anal Sex, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Cunnilingus, Dirty Talk, Dream Sex, F/M, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Masturbation, Multi, Murder, Non-Consensual Spanking, Oral Sex, Original Character(s), Other, Prostitute Sex, Prostitution, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sex, Sexism, Sexual Content, Sibling Incest, Spanking, Trans Female Character, Transgender, Transgender Kili, Transphobia, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, Violence, fem!Kili
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-06
Updated: 2017-10-27
Packaged: 2018-01-03 20:46:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 26,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1072882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taurnil/pseuds/Taurnil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kíli is trying to come to terms with being a woman but her family doesn't support some of the things so has to do to make her body match her soul. But Kíli stands strong and uses old rumours to her advantage...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mirrors

**Author's Note:**

> I posted this story a while ago but took it down after getting some rather horrible comments. I have now decided to resurrect it.
> 
> I decided to write this story in response to a prompt on "The Hobbit Kink Meme" that asked for some MTFKíli. I was delighted by the concept and wanted to make it happen. So I did. Unfortuently some people decided that my story wasn't good enough for them and decided to respond by posing transphobic and immature comments. Just in case the same thing happens again I'm going to post some disclaimers.
> 
> 1.) I do NOT believe that dwarf women grow beards. I'll never believe it. Its a silly elven rumour. But just because I think this does not mean that I think that women with facial hair and deformed or freaks of nature. (Which will become obvious in the next chapter.)
> 
> 2.) The reason why Kíli's pronouns change is to emphasise how painful Thorin's treatment of her is. He may mean well but what he says cuts deep. I know that calling' a transperson (or anyone for that matter) the wrong pronouns can be devastating- which is why Kíli feels she must stand up for herself. But when commenting please refer to Kíli as female. 
> 
> 3.) I know that it is very unlikely that Kíli was really a member of the trans community. But it was also very unlikely that there was a sexual relationship between Kíli and Fíli or that Bilbo was an FTM (and there are some well written fics about those scenarios.) Please accept this work as the work of fiction it was intended to be. 
> 
> 4.) If you are transphobic then DON'T read this and keep your opinions to yourselves.

Kíli hated mirrors. Always had, probably always would. Some days she would wake up and pull the covers over her head so that she could have just a few more moments of darkness before she had to get up and look at herself. Now she sat in front of her mirror staring at someone she would never know.

Kíli raised a hand to her face and ran her fingers along the rough stubble. It had been a few days since she had last shaved and it had now become rather thick. Kíli picked up her blade and began to twirl it round in her hand, watching as the silver shimmered in the light. Her eyes closed, allowing herself to stay in the comforting dark once more. Kíli’s greatest wish was to live in a world where this wasn’t an issue. Where she could wake up and get on with her life. Where she could look into the mirror and recognise the person who stared back. If Kíli had to think of a wish that was somewhat realistic, she would want her family to accept the things she had to do to her body to keep herself sane. Although most of the time even that felt fantastical.

Kíli sighed and rose from her chair, tightening her robe before wandering into the washroom she shared with her brother.  She emptied the warm water into the tub slowly, dreading what came next. With her eyes tightly closed she dropped her robe and lowered her body into the water. Despite how she felt about her body Kíli always enjoyed bathing. She loved the way the warm water relaxed her limbs and cleared her mind. In this state she had no fears- so long as she didn’t look down.

The youngest Dúrin reached over for her blade as she raised her right leg out of the water. Carefully she swiped the blade over the skin of her leg watching as the thick hair fell into the water. Kíli had no idea how long it took to clear her body of hair. She shaved her legs right up to the very top of her thighs before moving on to her belly, then shaving her armpits and finishing with the niggling hairs on her chest. By the time she was satisfied the water was freezing and she was probably very late for breakfast. Kíli sat back down in front of the mirror- still holding her flick blade. She looked at herself, her eyes darkening.

“Fuck it,” She whispered.

*

The moment Kíli entered the room all eyes turned to him, even the eyes of his beloved big brother. An unbearable silence filled the room- something Kíli thought he’d be used to by now.

“Oh baby...” Dís whispered. “Not again.” Kíli bit his lip and risked a look at Thorin. He could swear that he was trying to burn him alive with his intimidating stare. The tension became too much for Kíli and began to silently beg for his Uncle to say or do anything. Even if ‘anything’ meant punching him in his smooth face. Kíli couldn’t help but jump slightly when Thorin eventually rose from his chair, as if he were preparing for battle.

“Kíli,” He said slowly. “I thought I made myself perfectly clear about this.” Kili, feeling bold, met his Uncles eyes, determined to stand his ground. If he backed out now there was no way Thorin would ever take him seriously.

“You did,” Said Kíli. “I just decided that I didn’t care.” Dís immediately turned away, busying herself by making some more coffee, which she doubted anyone would want to drink. Fíli just sat there in silence, watching his sibling and Uncle like they were untalented street performers.

“You cannot keep doing this,” Thorin growled, his voice getting louder with every word. “It is insulting to our line, to our race, to the Maker-“

“It’s just a fucking beard!” Kíli yelled back. “I don’t want it there; it doesn’t look right on me!”

“We come from a strong line of dwarves Kíli.” Thorin approached his sister-son, his steps heavy with rage. “Your ancestors were strong proud dwarves with long, proud beards!”

“Yes they were,” Kíli said, feeling a lump in his throat. “But they were men.” Kíli could feel the tears in his eyes- but he refused to let them fall. Not here. Not in front of Thorin. “I’m not a man Thorin and I’ll never be one. I know that.” In credit to his Uncle did back off a little bit, recognising that he had hurt Kili. That had never been his intention.  Thorin sighed deeply and sat back down, his face falling into his hands. Dís placed a mug of coffee in front of her brother, as if trying to restore harmony in her kitchen. Something about that irritated Kíli. He hated the way his mother always tried to brush things under the rug as it were, the way she tried to avoid and ignore any conflict, acting like everything was fine when it wasn’t.

“Please Kíli,” Thorin said exasperated. “I have no issues with the way you want to dress or the way you want to act, but there are some things you just cannot do.” Kíli couldn’t believe what his Uncle was saying. Was this really his way of trying to be understanding?

“You cannot dictate what I do witch my body Thorin,” Kili said quietly. “I am a woman and I’ll do what I have to do to be seen as one.”

Thorin stared intensely at the untouched mug of coffee, trying to avoid the soul crushing look in his sister-son’s eyes. But Kíli could clearly see the disappointment in Thorin’s face; a look that never failed to break his heart.

“Kíli please,” Dís said at last. She meant to say more but her youngest child would not let her continue.

“No mother,” He said sternly. “You know what I am. Either accept it or throw me away; but I cannot live through this anymore.” Determined to get the final word Kíli turned away and stormed off back to his bedroom.

Slamming the door behind her.

*

“Kee?” Fíli opened the door slowly to see his younger sibling curled up on her bed.

“Go away!” She muttered through her pillow. Despite her love for her brother she was not in the mood to see or speak to anybody.

“But it’s my room to!” Fíli replied in mock protest. He shut the door behind him and went to sit next to Kíli, pulling her into his arms. Kíli returned the embrace, feeling safe in the strong arms of her older brother. There she felt no distain or judgement; like Fíli held the key to a sanctuary. One only she could enter. “Please don’t be upset Kee,” Fíli said as he stroked her hair. “I know Thorin can be difficult sometimes but-“

“It’s more than ‘being difficult’ Fee,” Kíli said as she buried her face into Fíli’s shoulder. “Thorin claims he’ll let me live as a woman but if he won’t let me shave them I’m afraid that no-one will see me as one.”

“It’s just a lot to take in,” Fíli tried to explain. “He’ll get there.”

“But I feel like the only place I can be a girl is in here.”

“That's ridiculous Kee,” Fíli said, burying a hand in Kíli’s soft hair. “If you feel you are a woman than you can be one anywhere.” Suddenly Fíli stood up- pulling Kíli with him. “Come on Kíli, let’s go out. Let’s just go out this evening and get completely pissed! You’ll feel better I promise.” Kíli laughed at her brother’s enthusiasm but shook her head all the same.

“No Fíli I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Kili smiled but turned back to the mirror.

“Please Kee,” Fíli moved in behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. “You know if you stay here you’re letting him win.”

“Win what?”

“... Not sure entirely.”

Kíli had to laugh. Her brother was her best friend in the entire world and he always made her feel better. No matter what. Fíli’s hand came up from Kíli’s waist to stroke her soft cheek. 

“You’re so pretty Kee. My little sister.”   
*

“I’m still not so sure about this Fee,” Kíli whispered cautiously, walking into the tavern on her brother’s arm. “We should just go home. It’s safe there.” 

“You’re perfectly safe with me Kee,” Fili said, planting a chaste kiss on his sister’s cheek. “I promise. Just stick with me.” 

Kíli looked around the crowded hall. It was filled with mostly men but there were a few other dwarves. Despite everyone around her being engaged in their own business Kíli felt strangely self-conscious. As if all eyes were on her.


	2. The Evening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After being left alone in the tavern Kíli meets a new companion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is as far as I got before I took the story down. Thank-you everyone for your comments and kudos, you've all been wonderful. Hopefully this time I can get to the end. :-)

_“I’m still not so sure about this Fee,” Kíli whispered cautiously, walking into the tavern on her brother’s arm. “We should just go home. It’s safe there.”_

_“You’re perfectly safe with me Kee,” Fili said, planting a chaste kiss on his sister’s cheek. “I promise. Just stick with me.”_

_Kíli looked around the crowded hall. It was filled with mostly men but there were a few other dwarves. Despite everyone around her being engaged in their own business Kíli felt strangely self-conscious. As if all eyes were on her._

**

Kíli sat alone at the bar, quietly sipping her nearly empty tankard. She rolled her eyes when she finally found her brother again, sitting in the corner with a well-endowed red-head on his lap and her tongue down his throat. Kíli turned away muttering to herself.

In fairness to Fíli he had stayed with her for most of the evening, buying her drinks and talking nonsense with her. After only an hour they had both ended up rather tipsy. So much so that after the bards had taken up their instruments Fíli had immediately pulled his sister off her chair, met only with a little resistance, to dance with him. Kíli had been nervous at first but as soon as Fíli spun her around for the first time she started laughing her head off. Fíli was a surprisingly good dancer and Kíli couldn’t hide her excitement when her brother lifted her up above him, spinning her until she was dizzy.

Afterwards he escorted her back to her seat, pulling it out for her before she sat down; a simple action but one that made her blush ever so slightly. After they had both gotten another drink they were joining by some travelling traders who were staying at a nearby inn. Sitting with strangers was something Kíli had never done before and probably something that she never would have done if she was not with her older brother. Fíli held her hand underneath the table, squeezing it as if to say “It’s alright. I’m here. You’re beautiful.” And Kíli believed him. When she was with her brother she knew she was safe.

Soon the traders invited Fíli and Kíli to sing with them. They all sang several loud, bawdy pub songs that for some reason Kíli was fascinated by. She had tried to join in but every time she tried she couldn’t help bursting into a fit of giggles at the rather naughty lyrics, making singing rather impossible. Even so one of the men told her that she had a beautiful voice- saying that he had “never heard a lady sing with such a perfect Alto.” Kíli wasn’t convinced that this was true but she was thrilled with the complement. Or maybe she was just thrilled to be called a lady. Either way she was flattered.

After several songs and several more pints the traders retired and the siblings moved back over to the bar. Fíli bought them both another pint and they sat together in a comfortable silence. Fíli had finished his drink first and had left to take a piss; only he never came back.

Kíli couldn’t bring herself to blame him or even be mad at him. He had spent all evening trying to make her feel better, which he most defiantly had. She couldn’t deny him a little fun. After all the woman was his type. A slutty ginger!

Kíli decided that the best thing to do would be to finish her beer and leave. She assumed that Fíli probably wouldn’t be back to her anytime soon and she did feel a little awkward sitting there on her own; despite loving how beautiful she looked perched on the bar-stool with her legs daintily crossed. Kíli was wearing one of her mother’s old dresses that Dís had altered for her child’s body. It was dark blue and rather plain but Kíli liked it. It was comfortable and it was hers. Underneath the dress she had tied leather around her waist to pull some of her fat and muscle inwards, giving her subtle curves, creating a more feminine shape. On top of that she wore a leather bodice which pushed the fat on her chest upwards. There she was able to push the fat together to give her some cleavage and stuff some padding into the bodice to create two round and perky breasts. When Kíli had looked in the mirror before coming out, her long hair falling over her shoulders, Kíli had seen a beautiful woman. A dwarf Princess. Despite the awkwardness of being alone Kíli still dreaded going back to her mother’s house where she would have to take everything off and one again pretend to be a Prince of Dwarves.

“Excuse me Miss.” Kíli looked up from her drink to see a rather tall man standing above her. She swallowed loudly, unsure what to say or do.

“Hello,” She said quietly, taking another sip of her beer.

“I thought I’d keep you company,” he said with a smile. “Can I sit down?” Kíli thought about it for a minute, looking the stranger up and down cautiously. He was certainly interesting. He was a lot taller than her, easily over a foot, with shining brown eyes and wild brown curls falling about his face. Kíli had never truly been a slave to conventional beauty. She had always thought that it made people pretentious and would normally lead to extreme vanity. But this man seemed kind enough and she decided that the company would do her good; at least while Fíli was occupied.

“Of course,” She said at last, gesturing to Fíli’s empty seat. “Please.”

“It’s not a good idea to leave a lady on her own,” Said the stranger as he sat down. “I know it’s not my place to say anything but I’m a little appalled by your gentleman’s behaviour.”

“My gentleman?”

The stranger gestured to Fíli whose hands had now made their way _inside_ the red-heads dress.

“Oh no,” Kíli said quickly. “He isn’t my gentleman, he’s my brother.”

“Oh right sorry,” The man turned away looking a little bashful. He cleared her throat loudly before straightening his plain tunic. “My name is Linfred sweet lady. Do you have a name?”

“Yes,” Kíli said, her pink tongue tip coming out to wet her red lips. “I’m K...Kíli.”

“You didn’t sound so sure there?”

“Of course I’m sure!” She retorted with a snap. “I know my name!”

“Yes, of course you do Kíli. I’m sorry.” Kíli blushed, feeling a little ashamed.

“I’m sorry,” She said. “I didn’t mean to be harsh.”

“It’s alright.” Linfred leaned over and rested his hand on Kíli’s thigh. She shifted a little, pulling on her dress. “Would you like another drink?” Kíli raised her eyebrows slightly at the suggestion.

“A drink?”

“Well you’ve nearly finished your beer so I thought you might like another. I’ve always liked a woman with the confidence to drink beer.” Kíli felt a flutter in her heart as Linfred spoke. She wondered how long it would be before the comfort of strangers seeing her as nothing but female would ware off. She hoped never.

“Alright then,” She said, drowning the rest of her beer. “You can buy me a drink.

Linfred ended up buying Kíli three more drinks along with telling her many jokes and three stories about his sister’s cat. They talked for ages, into the early hours of the morning. Kili’s face hurt she was smiling so hard. It had been a while since she had smiled so much. Kíli could barely even think about the weight Thorin had placed on her shoulders only this morning. In this moment there was nothing abnormal about her. She was just a normal girl talking to a normal boy. And she had Fíli to thank for all of this. She turned around to catch a glance at her brother but could not see him through the crowd.

“He left.”

“Beg pardon?” Linfred looked down, treating himself to a private grin and ran his hand through his greasy, brown curls.

“He went upstairs a while ago with that girl.” He reached over and took Kíli’s hand in his. His hand felt unbelievably clammy but somehow exciting to the young dwarf. “I didn’t tell you because I thought it would mean you’d have to leave.”

“I’m afraid that’s exactly what it means,” Kíli said, her voice filled with noticeable regret. She would have liked to stay with Linfred. She wished she could have stayed up all night talking and laughing. But Thorin would never approve of Kíli being out alone this late. For a loud, annoying, disgusting bastard he could really worry. Especially when it came to Kíli.

“Goodnight Linfred,” She said with a heavy sigh. “It’s been lovely. Thank you for sitting with me.” She stood up quickly and quietly, avoiding the kind stranger’s eyes. As she turned away she felt a sweaty, strong hand close around her own.

“Please Kíli,” Linfred whispered. “It isn’t safe for a young Lady to be out by herself. Perhaps you should... stay with me?” Kíli looked up at Linfred’s handsome face. She knew the darkness that was clouding over his eyes. Lust. Kíli could feel it gazing over her body, staring at her breasts, over her curves. She felt a prickling in her heart. A comforting warmth that spread to her cheeks, making her blush. She did want to stay. She opened her mouth to answer but her body wouldn’t let her speak. Suddenly, as if to tell her why, the warm sensation spread down between her legs. Tears came to her eyes. She couldn’t stay with Linfred. She’d never be able to stay with any man.

Eventually Linfred’s hand let go of hers and he wiped it on his breeches.

“I’m sorry Kíli,” He said. “It was wrong of me to suggest... you are a lady not a... I’m sorry.”

Still unable to speak Kíli just turned around. Taking her cloak from the stand she walked out the tavern.

***

Kíli slowly started the walk home, letting the tears fall down her smooth face. She shut her eyes and pictured Linfred’s fetching face. His beautiful eyes, his strong shoulders and long legs. She would have given anything to just say ‘yes.’ To let him take her upstairs where he would slowly strip her of her clothes before wrapping his arms around her body. He would hold her and kiss her and make love to her until the clouds and sky turned pink with daylight, causing each and every one of her nerves to spark with pleasure and her skin tingle with delight. She wouldn’t care about society or Thorin’s approval or what it could do to the precious ‘Dúrin-reputation.’ She would just take Linfred’s hand and have a wonderful evening.

But she couldn’t.

Fíli could. Fíli was a handsome man; Kíli knew that. Even if she was his sister. He could turn the head of any girl he wanted. He could walk into any tavern; catch the eyes of some big-breasted tart before taking her into a room and fucking her on a come-stained bed.

Whereas Kíli had to go home to her grumpy uncle who would ask her all sorts of questions about her breasts and her clothes before ranting to her about where she had been all evening. The same Uncle who used to tell her stories, sing her to sleep and kiss her knees when she fell over and scraped them. Kíli knew that she and Thorin would never have that relationship again.

Kíli stopped. She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t go back to the small house alone.

She turned back around and walking into the tavern. Kíli found Linfred sitting in the exact same spot, staring at his tankard.

“Linfred?” He turned around to look at the pretty dwarf, her eyes shining with fear and excitement.

“Yes Kíli?”

“I want to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope no-one is too downhearted by the "Thorin Bashing" in this or if you are I hope you still stick with me here. Kíli's on a journey and so are her family. Also the OCs in this story are just to make things more interesting for Fíli and Kíli and will NOT play big roles as the story progresses. 
> 
> Please comment and let me know what you all think. ;-)


	3. Of Terror and Pleasure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you haven't noticed, I am avoiding Kíli's hair colour at all costs. I usually write Kíli as blond since he most defiantly is in the books, but then people tend to do a double-take. Sort of: "What... Gold?... Oh right yes!"

Kíli could feel her stomach doing flips as Linfred lead her through the dark alleyways. A niggling voice in the back of her head was screaming at her, telling her that she was going to get hurt or maybe even killed. Kíli didn’t know this part of town and probably wouldn’t be able to find her own way home from here. The alleyway smelt horrible, like stale piss and vomit. Every time she looked up she felt the dingy buildings looming over her and began to fear that one of them would topple over and crush her. Linfred seemed to sense her (not entirely irrational) fear. He squeezed her hand and picked up his pace slightly.

“It’s alright my darling,” Linfred whispered. “We’re almost there.”

Despite Kíli’s fear of the strange estate she felt a lot more nervous about arriving at Linfred’s rooms. How could she possibly hide her body from him now? When Linfred found out what she was he would throw her out onto the street- but only if he was feeling kind. Much sooner than Kíli would have liked they arrived at a ghastly pea-green door.

As Linfred took his key out of pocket Kíli realised that she was shaking.

“Kíli?” She looked up from the ground, her arms wrapped around her body. “Are you alright?” She nodded at Linfred, forcing a smile.

“I’m fine Linfred,” She lied. “I promise.”

Not entirely convinced Linfred opened the door, ushering Kíli inside.

The room wasn’t a very grand one, not that Kíli had expected it to be. It was sparsely furnished, as if Linfred rarely had visitors and never really prepared for them. She didn’t know what to make of that. There were two plain wooden chairs next to the fire-pit, a wood-worm ridden bookcase with no more than ten battered books on it but with plenty of tacky clay figurines and a large rumpled bed in the corner. The whole room was utterly filthy and smelt horrible. Dust gathered on every surface and a tall of pile of used plates leant against one of the chairs.

“I know it’s not much,” Linfred confessed. “But to me its home.”

“It’s... Sweet,” Kíli managed to say, trying not to think about what the stains on the rug might be. Linfred laughed at Kíli’s lie. He sat down on the bed and pulled Kíli’s shorter body against his.

“You have the most adorable eyes Kíli,” He said softly, his breath ghosting over Kíli’s lips. “You have such a sweet face.” Finally Linfred pressed his lips against the young dwarf’s. He couldn’t help but let out a groan of pleasure the moment his lips touched Kíli’s. They were so soft, so sweet and tasted to him of wild raspberries. Kíli thought Linfred tasted of cheap brandy. Even so it felt wonderful. She pressed her lips closer to his, bringing her hands up to frame his face. She could hardly believe that she was this close to another person at last. It was Kíli who first opened her mouth, her tongue slipping smoothly against Linfred’s own. She could feel her face flushing and her heart pounding against her breasts as arousal shot through her. Linfred moaned at the contact, his hands slipping down Kíli’s back to cup her firm buttocks.

“Wait!” Kíli yelled, pushing Linfred back with a lot more force than she had intended. He fell backwards onto the bed, his head smacking the wall with a loud thud. “Linfred!” Kíli cried as she quickly climbed onto the bed next to him, cushioning his head with her palm. “Oh Linfred I am so, so sorry. I truly didn’t mean to.”

“It’s alright, I know you didn’t,” Linfred said, smiling at her despite grimacing in pain. Kíli rubbed his head soothingly while pressing a tender kiss against his temple.

“I’m terribly sorry Linfred, it’s just...” Kíli sat back on her heals, biting her lip in shame. She had no idea why she had thought this was a good idea. Even Thorin’s wrath had to be less distressing than this. “You see Linfred, the thing it... Well-“

“Kíli it’s alright,” Linfred said quietly as he took Kíli’s hands in his. “I understand.”

“What? What is it you understand?” Kíli asked, looking fairly bewildered. She couldn’t see how Linfred could have worked it out. When she had left the house she was sure she could pass as female. But perhaps it was all in her head. She had never looked like a woman. “Oh Linfred...”

“Kíli stop it!” Linfred pulled Kíli into a strong embrace, burying his nose in her soft hair. “Don’t be embarrassed.”

“But Linfred-“

“Kíli please.” He pulled back to look at her pretty face, framing her face with his grimy hands and kissing away the tears forming in her eyes. “Kíli I understand that you are nervous but please don’t be upset. You have nothing to worry about. I don’t mind, truly.”

“Oh for Aulë’s sake Linfred!” Kíli pushed him away, starting to get rather angry. She didn’t care how sweet Linfred was being. If he wanted a man than she didn’t want him. She could never love a man, or even be with a man, who couldn’t see her as female. It just didn’t seem right to her, like she was deceiving both of them. To her it was simple.

“Kíli,” Linfred said again, grabbing her shoulders so she had to look into his eyes. “Please don’t be afraid. I guessed you were a virgin the moment you told me that the other dwarf you were with was your brother.” Kíli blinked.

“Well yes _I am_ a virgin.” That wasn’t a lie but Kíli was now struck between relief and further terror. “But-“

“Actually it’s the reason why I am so desperate for you,” Linfred continued. “I saw you sitting alone in that tavern, looking so beautiful and so very sweet. Then I began to imagine being the very first wanderer to make a foot print on that glorious patch of soft, pure snow... Just thinking about it makes me more desperate than I’ve ever been!”

Suddenly Kíli let out a shuddering gasp, clinging onto Linfred tightly. No-one had ever spoken to Kíli like that before and she couldn’t deny the effect it was having. But she knew she couldn’t hide it from Linfred either.

“Linfred,” She whispered. “Please.” Linfred just silenced her with another kiss before leaning in closer to lick the shell of her ear.

“I’m going to make you feel so good Kíli,” He said. “And don’t worry about the clothes.”

“The clothes?” Linfred nodded.

“Truth is I’ve always wanted to be with a dwarf woman. There is something so elegant yet so strong about your people. You have an air of confidence about you that I have never found in my own people.” He ran his hands down Kíli’s neck, caressing the soft skin yet stopped when he reached the fabric of her dress. “But I’ve also heard how secretive your people are, particularly how secretive your women are about your bodies. So don’t worry about that. I don’t expect you to take off your clothes.”

“Really?” She asked quizzically. Kíli had heard these rumours but had always assumed that they were too ridiculous to be believed. Perhaps there was hope for this evening yet. “So you’re fine with not seeing me naked?”

“Of course my darling,” Linfred whispered before kissing her ear. He continued to kiss and tease her, his lips trailing down her beautiful body, fluttering across her neck and down her collar bone onto her cleavage. “So long as I still get to touch your beautiful breasts.” Kíli’s heart skipped a beat as Linfred’s hands settled on her breasts, giving them a gentle squeeze. She relaxed when Linfred let out a low moan. “Humm they’re so firm my pretty little dwarf. So perfect.” Linfred resumed his kissing, his hands continuing to trail downwards until they stroked Kíli’s thighs, slowly inching inwards. “And although I may not be permitted to see it,” Linfred continued. “I can’t wait to play with your sweet dwarven flower...”

“Wait!” Kíli snapped, her hands slamming down onto Linfred’s. “I’d rather... I don’t think you can do that.”

“Why not?” Linfred asked, raising an eye-brow above his stunning left eye. “I’ve heard nothing forbidding that. I can pull out before I complete you know; I won’t give you a child.”

“I know, I do trust you Linfred, it’s just... Well...”

“Ah,” Linfred said, leaning back in realisation. “Are you bleeding?” Kíli’s eyes went wide.

“Yes!” She exclaimed. “Yes that’s exactly it. And it’s very uncomfortable. I don’t know if you have heard this but dwarf ladies tend to produce a lot more blood then your women do, at least that’s what I’ve read. So overall I don’t think it would be very good for both of us if... I think it’s best if you avoid my secrets all together. I’m very sorry Linfred.”

Linfred sighed, his disappointment burning into Kíli’s heart, and sat back on the bed.

“It’s alright Kíli,” He said softly. “You can’t help it, why don’t we just lie down together and cuddle. How does that sound?” Linfred pulled Kíli against his chest and lowered them both to the mattress. He played with her hair softly, his arm wrapped around her shoulders. Kíli felt a sinking feeling in her chest. Linfred was being so sweet and so tender, yet Kíli could feel the disappointment in his body. Not to mention his hard member pressing into her.

“Linfred please,” She muttered against his breast. “Let me do something. Something to make you feel good. I know that my body may be... Inconvenient right now, but there must be something I can do.” Kíli sat up, straddling his strong thighs, running her hands over his firm chest. She couldn’t deny the arousal that coursed through her body as kneaded the hard flesh. “I could use my hands, or maybe my mouth.” Kíli slipped down Linfred’s body elegantly, like sand slipping through an hour glass, until she reached his groin. She inhaled deeply, relishing the deep masculine scent that came from Linfred’s genitals. She nuzzled her nose at the bulge, hands gripping his hips. Swiftly she undid the lacings, releasing Linfred’s cock from its fabric prison.

Kíli could not claim to have seen many naked men in her time; except from her uncles and Mister Dwalin. And of course she saw her brother naked on a regular basis since they shared a bedroom. Although Fíli was the only man she had ever seen hard. It wasn’t like she tried to, it had just happened, like when he woke up in the morning or late at night when he thought Kíli was asleep. She could clearly remember peeking out from under her covers as her brother, naked as the day he was born with his cock hard as a second-age diamond, climbed out of his bed before making his way into the wash room.

Linfred wasn’t as long as Fíli and he certainly wasn’t as thick, but to Kíli it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that Linfred was rock hard and it was all for her. Kíli went down, her mouth watering as she licked the sensitive head.

Her temporary-lover moaned loudly as he reached down to grab Kíli’s long hair, pushing her mouth onto his shaft. Kíli took him into her mouth willingly, sucking gently. She moved her warm mouth up and down the shaft, her tongue pressing against the thick vein. She moaned to herself, moving her head faster, wrapping her fingers around the flesh she couldn’t fit her mouth.

“Fuck Kíli!” Linfred gasped. “That’s good, you’re very good. You sweet pretty mouth looks so beautiful stretched around my cock. Your mouth; it’s so warm, so wet.” Linfred thrust up into Kíli’s throat making her gag. She tried to pull back but his grip on her hair was too strong. The sensation of pleasure was starting to leave her as Linfred’s thrusts got harder and harder. Kíli reached down to caress Linfred’s balls, rolling them in her palm. His response was a helpless whimper causing him to let go of Kíli’s hair, falling into the mattress in pleasure.

Despite her disgust for her genitals Kíli had pleasured herself on occasion and knew when felt good. In fact she knew the perfect way to make it feel good for both of them. Linfred was rather drunk and now delirious with pleasure. He had accepted the excuses she had given about her genitals so as long as she was careful he wouldn’t know anything was different about her.

Slowly Kíli pulled off Linfred, despite his protests. She hushed him and continued to stroke his cock.

“It’s alright Linfred,” She said, leaning down to kiss his navel. “I’m going to make us both feel good.” She sucked three fingers into her mouth, wetting them with her saliva. She stood up to remove her underclothes but decided against it. If she removed them then Linfred would notice her arousal through her dress. He wasn’t drunk enough to ignore that. Instead she lowered them slightly, inserting two of her fingers inside of herself. Despite being a virgin Kíli fingered herself almost every-time she self-pleasured. It was somewhat less pressuring then the other ways of reaching climax. She even had several toys in her bedside draw. Kíli thrust her fingers inside of herself, adding a third and stifling a groan as she brushed against her sweet spot. It didn’t take long until she felt satisfyingly stretched.

Kíli climbed back onto Linfred, reaching out to entwine her fingers with his. Carefully she lowered herself down onto Linfred’s cock, taking it all inside herself. As she inched down Kíli couldn’t help but scream, throwing her hair back over her shoulders. It stung; of course it did, but the warmth of his cock, the feeling of finally being filled by another living being. It was beyond ecstasy. She began to move, lifting her body up and down, moving faster and faster as the stinging sensation dimmered.

“Ugh, Kíli,” Linfred cried. “Fuck. You dirty dwarven girl!” Kíli bit her lip as she whimpered, falling to grip hold of Linfred’s shoulders. Something about his words stirred something inside of her. “Ah, you like that do you?” He sat up, moving towards Kíli’s ear. She used her dwarven-strength to keep him at a sensible distance but his words were still whispered to her.

“You’re not nearly as innocent as you seem are you? You may not have realised it until now my wanton dwarf-virgin, but you really are a cock-slut! You couldn’t shake the desire of needing a cock inside you. You’d even take one up your backdoor you filthy, filthy girl!”

Linfred probably didn’t realise it but he was thrusting up into Kíli’s sweet-spot, making her hiss in pleasure. That and Linfred’s dirty language was bringing Kíli ever closer to completion. She slipped a hand subtly into her knickers, gripping herself tightly to stop herself coming. She clenched tightly around her lover as she moved faster and faster, leaning down to bite onto his shoulder.

Linfred began to feel dizzy, his cock overpowered by Kíli’s heavenly warmth. With one hard thrust he came inside of her, waking the neighbours with his orgasm. He didn’t care. He wanted everyone to know that he had gone home with the prettiest dwarf-woman in all of Middle-Earth. The mortal-man fell down on his mattress, whimpering as Kíli climbed off his dick, wiping him clean with a handkerchief she had pulled out of her cleavage.

“Kíli...” Linfred muttered, wrapping his arms around her, sniffing her musky neck. “You’re gorgeous Kíli, so amazing.” Kíli smiled weakly, burying her face in Linfred’s hair, stroking his back gently until he fell asleep. As soon as he did she rolled him over gently and climbed out of his bed.

She wandered into Linfred’s wash-room, tip-toeing over the squeaky floorboards, locking the door behind her. Kíli slipped her hand up her own skirt and rubbed her genitals harshly though her clothes before inserting her fingers back into herself. She found her sweet-spot, her eyes closing as she rubbed herself to completion. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long, this was a difficult chapter to write. 
> 
> Also I have changed my tumblr name. Please follow me :-) I'll follow you in return! 
> 
> http://the-hobbit-broney.tumblr.com/


	4. Lost and Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kíli returns to her family after her night with Linfred.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you to Legolaslover1 for doing the beta :-) (Now all mistakes are HER fault! *evil cackle*)

The morning sun shone through the thin curtains onto Kíli’s face, rousing her from her sleep. She normally awoke when “Mr. Socks” the family cat poked his wet nose up hers. Therefore, she was not used to seeing the sun so early. She groaned in frustration, pulling the covers over her head and rubbing her rough face.

Kíli jumped out of bed in panic and ran over to the mirror. Fear trickled down her spine as she stared at the prickly stubble that had grown over her cheeks. With both hands clasped over her face she crept out of the washroom towards her cloak, silently praying that she would not wake Linfred.

“Kíli?” The dwarf slowly turned towards the man, his head resting on his pillow, staring at her with a sense of wonder in his tired eyes. “Are you leaving me so soon?”

“I’m afraid so,” Kíli replied, her voice muffled through her hands. “My Uncle will be wondering where I am.” That wasn’t a lie -Thorin would have been worried last night but she had still chosen to stay. Linfred sighed, sitting up in his bed. Kíli bit her lip as she stared at his bare, tanned flesh. She badly wanted to run into his arms and kiss every inch of his naked body. Yet she couldn’t even bring herself to lower her hands away from her face.

“I understand, Kíli,” Linfred said, looking at her with a soft smile. He pulled his arm out from under the covers, extending his hand towards her. “But please, I had such a wonderful time with you last night. It was a night I’ll remember for the rest of my life. So I beg of you Kíli, let me kiss you again before you leave.” Kíli felt a pang of guilt touch her heart. She knew that last night she had gotten lucky; that she had had rumours and liquor on her side. She knew that the intelligent thing to do would be to grab her cloak and run home as fast as she could. But she couldn’t do that to Linfred. She had given him her virginity. He did mean something to her; even if he was just some random man she had met in a tavern. Perhaps now it would be best just to tell him the truth. Kíli opened her mouth to speak but found that she could not. Instead she simply lowered her hands, letting Linfred see the dwarf-fur on her face.

“Aw, Kíli!” Linfred exclaimed, his voice carrying the hint of a chuckle. Kíli raised her eyes and saw her still-naked lover sit up in his bed. He grinned at her, staring like she was the most adorable creature he had ever seen in his life. “Is my pretty little dwarf embarrassed by her morning stubble?” Kíli shuddered in surprise at Linfred’s words and her own stupidity.

As a small child she remembered dim-witted men questioning her mother and her Aunt about their shaving habits (resulting, of course, in both ladies kneeing the men in their secrets.) Since the Second Age there had been this silly rumour that dwarrow-dams also grew beards. A rumour that now seemed to be working to her advantage.

Kíli smiled at Linfred and ran into his out-stretched arms. He wrapped his strong limbs around her, rubbing his bearded cheek against her stubble.

“If you don’t mind me asking, Kíli,” Linfred murmured. “How often do you shave?” Kíli shrugged.

“Whenever I feel that I need to,” She admitted, a warm feeling gathering in her heart. Linfred moaned and kissed her cheek.

“I would love to see you with a full beard, Kíli,” he said, licking her nose like a naughty kitten.

“Really?” Kíli asked with her brow furrowed in confusion but her eyes sparkling with what Linfred could only describe as innocence.

“Of course,” Linfred kissed her temple, looking at her with eyes that made her melt. “I told you last night that I had always wanted to be with a dwarf-woman and I meant that. I would find you attractive even if you had a beard as long and pointy as Thorin Oakenshield’s.” Kíli’s heart flipped at the mention of her uncle but she was determined not to let it ruin this perfect moment. Linfred leaned in and pressed his lips gently against Kíli’s. The kiss was not as demanding as the ones they had shared last night, the kisses that had been driven purely by drink and lust. This kiss was tender and somewhat loving. Linfred’s hands were pressed firmly on her waist as Kíli used hers to caress his neck.

“I’ll always remember you, Kíli,” Linfred whispered against her soft lips. “You’ll always be my first dwarf-woman.”

*

Kíli practically skipped home that morning, her heart doing little jumps with every step she took. She felt absolutely wonderful, like nothing in the world could faze her. She had pulled her hood over her head to hide her light stubble. Two days ago she would be almost in tears about being in public dressed as a woman with her beard coming through. Now, for the first time in her life, she didn’t care. The memory of last night was still fresh in her mind, making her blood sing.

Kíli approached the blue door of her mother’s cosy house with her head held high. She opened the door, three pairs of concerned eyes turning towards her.

“Kíli!” Thorin literally yelled, storming towards her with a face of thunder. “Where the fuck have you been?”

“Please Thorin,” said Dís, distracting herself with a mark on the table. “There is no need for such language.”

“I’m still waiting for an answer, young man,” Thorin growled, ignoring his sister completely. He stared at Kíli, his arms crossed over his chest. Kíli simply walked past him, hanging her cloak on a peg.

“I’m not a ‘young man’ Uncle,” she said casually. She went to turn towards her bedroom but her brother caught her eye. Fíli was sitting on a wooden chair in the centre of the room looking very ashamed of himself. “Fíli? Are you alright?”

“Never mind him,” Thorin said sternly. “Answer my question!”

“I stayed at the tavern late,” Kíli replied. “So I decided to spend the night with a friend.”

“A friend?” Thorin’s brow rose. “Does this ‘friend’ have a name?”

“He does,” Kíli said. “But I fail to see why you need to know it.”

“Kíli, you have just stayed out all night with someone who I am assuming was a complete stranger!” Thorin roared. “You have no right to withhold any information from me.”

“Why is it any of your business what I do with my evenings?” Kíli asked with complete sincerity.

“Because I am your uncle and your guardian!” Thorin replied. “You owe me your respect.”

“I owe you nothing!” Kíli screamed back. “If you want me to see you as a guardian then you should start acting as one, which over the last few months you have not. And if you want respect from me you can start by returning the favour. That and stop treating me like a child!”

Thorin growled deeply, like a warg approaching its prey, darkness casting over his eyes. In one swift movement that made Dís squeal he grabbed Kíli by the hem of her dress and pulled her towards him. He sat down on the nearest chair, dragging Kíli over his knees. She kicked and screamed in protest but her uncle was much stronger than her. With his face as still and serious as stone, Thorin pulled up her skirt and slapped her five times hard on her backside. He had allowed her the dignity of keeping her underclothes on but she still hissed at the sharp pain. Kíli raised her head as much as she could from her awkward position. Her mother looked both embarrassed and afraid, biting her lip as she busied herself with the washing up. Fíli on the other hand looked at his sister with mournful eyes. He looked like he feared being the next victim. Or perhaps he had already had his turn.

After the final and indeed the hardest slap Thorin pulled Kíli off his lap and helped her stand. He grasped her shoulders and looked into the eyes of his sister-son (which was who he saw.)

“When you are big enough to stop me doing that,” He said calmly. “Then I’ll stop treating you as a child.”

“Fair enough,” Kíli said. All eyes turned to her once more. “So long as you can live with slapping a freshly fucked arse!” She turned around and stormed to her bedroom, slamming the door with enough force to shake the strong house. She leaned her tired body against the door, slowly sinking down onto the floor. Her behind stung as it made contact with the cold stone but she tried to ignore it. Instead, she rested her head on her forearms and wept. She hated herself for crying but she hated herself even more for allowing Thorin to make her cry. The last thing she wanted was for Thorin to see her as a pathetic weakling. Especially after the most wonderful night of her life.

Kíli raised her head when she heard loud mumblings through the door. She forced herself to silence her snivels as she pressed her ear against the thick wood.

“Thorin you cannot treat her like that!” She heard her brother say. “She didn’t do anything wrong, it was my fault for abandoning her.”

“I know,” Thorin growled. “I believe I’ve already explained how dreadfully irresponsible it was for you to leave your little brother alone where anything could happen. And apparently ‘anything’ did.”

“She isn’t a baby Thorin,” Fíli retorted. “She is old enough to have sex if she wants to. I wasn’t a virgin at her age.” Kíli heard her mother give out a low groan of disgust.

“If _he_ wants to live under this roof then he can’t expect to stay out all night.” Kíli whimpered a little at Thorin’s words. It never got less painful. “I may seem harsh to your reckless adolescent minds, but I love you both very much and all I want is for you both to be safe.” The youngest Durin’s tears came back to her eyes, this time prompted by affection. The feeling was unfortunately short-lived. “Besides, any man who goes after a young boy in a dress is not someone I want sniffing around my sister-sons!”

“Mother, please!” She heard Fíli cry. Dís said nothing at that. Not that Kíli was surprised. Kíli heard Fíli yell through his teeth in frustration before storming into the corridor. Kíli quickly crawled away from the door before diving on her bed, wiping her eyes and picking up a book. She didn’t look up when the door opened.

“Baby?” Kíli peeked over the top of her book. Unlike his sister Fíli didn’t hide the tears that had escaped from his brown eyes. They reminded Kíli that her brother was much more courageous than she’d ever be.

“Yes brother?” She asked, trying to sound casual.

“I am so very sorry, Kíli.” Fíli sat down next to her, taking her hand in his. Kíli smiled, placing the book back beside the bed.

“Don’t be sorry,” she said. “You can’t control what Thorin says or does.”

“No Kíli,” Fíli said. “Not about Thorin. About last night.” Fíli turned to sit cross-legged on the bed. “I shouldn’t have abandoned you the way I did. It was a selfish and reckless thing to do. I am truly sorry. Can you forgive me?” Kíli laughed, mirroring Fíli’s position and squeezing both his hands.

“It’s alright brother. I could never hold anything against you. I love you too much. Besides, I had fun, I promise.”

“Indeed?” Fíli raised an eyebrow. “So what you said to Thorin…?”

“Was true, yes,” Kíli said, giving her brother a cheeky wink. “Despite what Thorin thinks he definitely saw me as female!”

“Of course he did,” Fíli smiled. “But didn’t he get a little suspicious about… well…” Fíli leaned over and brushed his fingertips over Kíli’s stubble. Kíli shook her head.

“No,” she said. “It turns out that some people truly believe that dwarf-women grow beards. Good news for girls like me, eh?”

Fíli leaned over and wrapped his arms around his little sister, pulling her into a tight embrace. He held her like that for a while, running a hand soothingly down her back. Kíli began to feel her ribs ache but she couldn’t bring herself to pull away.

“You’ll always be the most beautiful woman in the world to me, Kíli,” Fíli said softly. “I really am sorry for what I did last night. I promise that it will never happen again. Believe me, you are the most important person in the world to me. You’re my best friend. I love you more than anyone else and I could never love anyone more than I love you.” Fíli spoke with complete sincerity but he felt a strange wince at some of his words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave comments and kudos :-)


	5. Delightful Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fíli knows he can't always hide...

Fíli trailed slowly down his sister’s body, gazing at her flawless tanned flesh. His eyes sparkled with anticipation as he stared at her. She lay back on the mattress, her face content with relaxation and her body as naked as the day she was born. Fíli let his fingers ghost over her skin, running them smoothly over her, trailing down from her neck to her thighs before coming up to cup her full breasts. Kíli let out a pitiful whimper as her brother touched her, looking up at him with her big, beautiful eyes.

“Fee,” She whispered, placing her hands on his shoulders and pulling herself up to meet him.  “Take me brother. I am yours.” They were the only words Fíli had ever longed to hear. She leaned in and kissed him, his fluffy youthful beard rubbing against her soft face. Fíli buried one hand in her soft hair while pressing their mouths together, running the other down Kíli’s back and going down her spine in one gentle caress. Their tongues met in each other’s mouths, twirling as they kissed, locking together in a passionate but tender dance.

Fíli pushed Kíli back down onto the bed before covering her body with his own. With his own eyes filled with wonder at her beauty, Fíli began to kiss her skin, his tongue wanting to explore every inch of her perfect body. He moved down to her breasts, nipping harshly at her tender nipples, coaxing helpless squeaks to fall from her mouth. After giving her left breast one final gentle squeeze, the prince continued his journey south. With both hands placed on her knees he spread her out, baring her sweet flower to his hungry gaze. Fíli noticed his sister flush with embarrassment at being so exposed, despite her genitals shining with sweet wetness. Fíli lowered his head, burying his nose in the soft curls, inhaling deeply at the pretty scent. He released his tongue, running it smoothly over the pink folds.

Fíli lapped hungrily at his sister, running his tongue over her pretty, pink flower. She tasted so good, better than Fíli could ever have imagined. Kíli cried out in a harsh moan, her strong legs linking over her brother’s shoulders, pulling his face into her genitals. Fíli’s cock throbbed between his legs, threatening to punch a hole in the mattress. He couldn’t handle it. Kíli tasted so good! She was so wonderful. Every time he moved upwards to nip gently at her clit she whined, her body squirming under her brother’s hands. It was so filthy and so damn wrong. If their mother or their Uncle or indeed anybody found out what was happening right now- Fíli was sure the consequences would be horrific. But it didn’t matter how wrong this was supposed to be. The warm feeling in his heart was telling him that this was right.

Kíli bit her lip, letting out a low humming noise. She buried her fingers in her brother’s matted hair, pressing his face against her.

“Please Fíli,” she begged. “I want you so much. Make me come, Fíli I’m so close. I need you! Please!” Fíli let his tongue swirl around her clit. He was desperate to give his sister everything she needed. He wanted to make her his. He could feel her thighs twitching against his cheeks, her whole body arching off the bed. Suddenly he clamped down on her sensitive clit, holding her steady as she lifted her body up, crying out into the night. Fíli swiftly reached up and clamped a hand over her mouth.

“Shush my pretty pet,” he whispered to her. “You don’t want Mama to hear her precious baby girl coming over her brother’s face do you?” Kíli giggled against Fíli’s hand, her eyes sparkling with well-placed mischief.

Fíli lay down besides his sister, running his hand up and down her arm, waiting for her to cool down after her orgasm. After only a few short minutes she turned to him with a cheeky smile.

“Is that it then Fíli?” She asked playfully. “I hadn’t thought you to give up so easily. I thought you were going to make me scream all night long.” She started to laugh but was cut short by a harsh slap to her thigh, making her scream in pain.

“You really are a dirty girl, aren’t you?” Fíli jumped up and pulled her thighs apart, placing a harsh slap against her already tender flower. Kíli groaned, partly in pleasure but partly in pain. Fíli raised an eyebrow at the reaction and released another, harder slap.

“Yes Fíli!” Kíli gasped. “I’ve been a very bad girl.”

“Indeed you have.” Fíli climbed on top of his sister, positioning himself between her legs. Taking his cock in hand he moved the head over the wet folds, teasing his sister until she tried to push back against him, desperate to take him inside of her. “I am going to fuck you so hard Kíli,” Fíli whispered. “I’m going to fuck you until your naughty cunt is red and raw. You want that don’t you? Look how wanton you are. Begging your big brother to touch you in your secret parts and make you come. Lying there on the bed, desperate for your brother’s dick.” Finally Fíli pushed the head of his cock inside his sister. He bit his lip to keep himself from crying out, but he couldn’t help it. She was so warm, so slick.

“Fíli…” Kíli whispered. She reached up to wrap her arms around Fíli’s strong body, pulling him deeper inside of her. Fíli kissed her again, her lips tasting sweeter than those of any woman he had been with before.

“Do you want me, Kíli?” He asked.

“Of course brother. There is no one else I want, no one else I belong to. I am yours, brother, forever…”

***

Fíli sat up suddenly, his body springing out of bed like an arrow being released from its bow. His warm breath came out in pants and he could feel sweat clinging to his skin like an extra layer of clothing. He looked down at his cock, which was tenting the thin blanket with prideand leaking so furiously he could see the stain appearing even in the darkness of the night, seeping through his nightclothes as well as the covers. Slowly, so he wouldn’t wake his sister, Fíli climbed down from his bed, making his way towards the washroom. He turned to look back at Kíli.

Kíli always looked so peaceful when she slept. She was lying on her back, the covers twisted around her knees. She had one hand up against the pillow, her hair twisted around her fingers and one hand resting on Socks, who was curled up fast asleep on her abdomen.

Fíli crept into the washroom, locking the door behind him. His cock was so hard it hurt. He didn’t want to masturbate. He felt dirty. It wasn’t right to be having such dreams about Kíli and the things he had said to her…

Not seeing any other option, Fíli undid his lacings and wrapped a hand around his purple dick. He could feel a sickness rising in the pit of his stomach as he stroked himself to completion.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry :-(
> 
> Thanks again to Legolaslover for the BETA.


	6. Loneliness

It did not take long for a vicious cycle to take place. Kíli would dress herself up, go out to any random tavern or inn that was close enough to home for her to find her way back but not close enough for her to run into her Uncle. There she would wait patiently for the men around her to get just the right amount of drunk, drunk enough to still be able to talk or walk, but not sober enough to question the lies she fed them. After finding her target, she would flirt from across the room until eventually she would find herself on top of a warm body, riding his cock until he came inside of her. Kíli knew it was wrong. She knew it was dangerous. But she also knew that she did not care. 

Thorin seemed to have given up with her. Kíli had barely even spoken to him since their fight. She avoided him constantly, making sure she left before he came home from the forge and not getting back in until he had left for work the next day. Either that or she snuck back in when he was still asleep and did not rise until after he had left. Now that she thought about it, Kíli had not really seen or spoken to any of her family properly in weeks. Her mother had been avoiding her almost as much as she had been avoiding Thorin; the only words she had said to her all week had been a muttered “good morning” when Kíli had stumbled into the kitchen a tad too early. And as for Fíli... Well Kíli really could not understand his recent behavior in the slightest. 

Kíli still remembered with a fond smile the way he had comforted her after Thorin's mistreatment. 

But recently something between them had changed. Fíli had been avoiding her almost as much as Thorin had. Every time she entered the same room as Fíli she noticed his eyes drop to the floor and a deep blush start underneath his beard. Kíli honestly had no idea what had caused it. She had been racking her brain for almost a fortnight but could think of nothing she had done to offend him. It did not take long for her mind to start worrying.

She lay down on her bed now, Mr. Socks lying on the pillow next to her. Kíli buried her face into his soft black fur, smiling as he purred.

“Do you still like me Socks?” She asked as she nuzzled his neck lightly. Socks responded with a quiet mewl, as if he understood her. Kíli giggled and tickled his ears in a way she knew would make him squirm like he did back when he was a kitten. “I do hope Fíli is not too annoyed with me,” she said, speaking to the cat as if were a high scholar rather than a scruffy animal. “Perhaps he is annoyed that I did not empty the tub after my bath on Wednesday morning.” Socks sat up to lick his paw, his eyes occasionally flicking towards Kíli. “But to be truthful he looked more embarrassed than annoyed... Perhaps he looked into my second drawer by mistake.” Socks did not say anything in return, but simply curled up again in a second attempt at sleep. 

Kíli stood with a sigh; going to the wardrobe she shared with her brother. “Well I best start getting ready if I want to get out of here before Thorin gets back. I'll head to the academy and read for a few hours. By the time I get to the tavern they should all be pissed already.” Socks let out a loud screech, forcing Kíli to turn to see him perched on the pillow staring at her. “Do not judge me Socks! I know it is not ideal. Do you truly think I would choose to settle for these men? The other night I met this particular gentleman, if he can be referred to as such, took me into the alley and spanked me until I was red before pushing me to my knees to fuck my mouth. I admit that it felt... rather pleasurable, but it's not what I would want every night. I want a man who wants me every night, who will hold me after we are done, kiss me tenderly and make love to me. But such a man does not exist. Women like me do not find such men, Socks. It just does not happen.” She looked back at Socks, her face as still and serious as stone. Socks had no reply. In fact he had now lost interest and was now occupying himself by batting at Fíli's scarf, which was hanging down from his bed. Kíli laughed at her friend, shaking her head as she turned her attention back to her clothes. Reaching towards the back of the wardrobe she pulled out two dresses.

“Which one do you think is best, Socks?” She presented them both before the disinterested cat. Socks mewled and sniffed the purple dress held in Kíli's left hand before jumping back onto the bed. “Good choice Socks, this one is far easier to put on by myself.” Dressing had become far harder recently without Fíli to help her. “Besides I do not think that gold really suits me anyway.” Kíli put the second dress back before draping her choice over the back of the chair. 

Since her fight with Thorin, Kíli had taken to wearing her old 'boy clothes' around the house in an attempt to not stir her Uncle. It was not what she truly felt comfortable doing but she did love her family very much and did not wish to cause them any further discomfort. That afternoon she was wearing a deep blue tunic, long and heavy, reaching down to her knees as well as a pair of unsightly brown work breeches, torn from hard labor at the forge. Like most of her old clothes they had both once belonged to Fíli. Occasionally he would forget that they had been handed down and pull them on for bed or for a lazy day. Kíli grasped the soft fabric of the tunic in her hands and pulled it up to her face, inhaling her brother's scent deeply. As always it sent a warm feeling through her body- the feeling of comfort and home. Although the smell usually brought her peace, the feeling of love was soon replaced by a troubling sinking sensation. She could handle being destined to live a lonely life, a life with no hope of finding her One. But she could not handle a life without her brother. She prayed that whatever she had done to upset Fíli would clear soon. She could not handle this distance for much longer. 

Wit one last deep sigh she stripped her body and prepared herself for the evening. She dressed herself in the beautiful purple gown, stuffed and created her breasts, straightened her long hair and painted her face subtly but creatively- eyes heavy with Kohl and lips painted pale pink. Just like her Mother had shown her.

It took almost two hours before Kíli finally felt presentable, gazing at herself in the mirror, her fingertips trailing lightly over her body. She looked over at Socks who had finally found sleep. In desperate need for some comfort Kíli disturbed the poor old cat’s rest by picking him up in her arms like a baby and nuzzling her nose into his belly.

“Wish me luck, my darling,” She whispered. After Socks had squirmed out of her arms, Kíli pulled on her cloak and went outside to face the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this took so long, real life has been a bit hectic at the moment. But good news is the play I was in recently got good reviews. :-) Anyway, hopefully you won't have to wait so long for the next part but I hope you enjoy this one.
> 
> Also wanted to mention: Kíli's dialogue in this chapter is inspired by a friend of mine who went through something similar to this around five years ago. The experiences were fairly traumatic for her and had a major impact on her mental health. I will say now that she has recovered and is happily married working in the fashion industry. :-)


	7. The End of the Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kíli's night out does not go to plan.

It was close to midnight when Kíli cautiously entered the familiar tavern. One of the barmaids smiled at her as she walked through the door as if to welcome her back as a regular. Kíli smiled back but she could tell the maid was judging her, thinking she was little more than a cheap little whore. Kíli had to admit that it was hard to disagree.Kíli took her regular seat at the bar and ordered herself an ale. Now there was little more to do than wait.

 

The tavern was busy that night. There was a crowd of people so huge that it was ridiculously difficult to see or move through it. The mass of people singing and laughing was so loud Kíli could barely hear herself think. She had considered bringing a book with her to read while she waited for a drunken stranger; but she knew that it was unlikely that she would ever see it again. Despite the large amount of people that surrounded her it was a fairly quiet night for Kíli. It did not normally take so long for someone to approach her. Perhaps tonight everyone was too concerned with those they cared about to notice a lonely girl.

 

After two hours and three mugs of ale Kíli decided to call it a night. The atmosphere in the tavern had gone from loud and boisterous to simply unpleasant and the laughter and singing had turned into the beginnings of drunken arguments. Kíli drained the last of her drink before deciding to visit the privy prior to sneaking back home.

 

Kíli slipped outside, trying not to draw too much attention to herself. On the way to the privy she noticed a drunken sod pissing up against the tavern wall. Kíli rolled her eyes, her nose wrinkling in disgust. When she sat down inside the privy she began to think about when it had become so darn important to her to piss sitting down. She could not remember when she had started sitting down, only that it felt natural doing it. She did not really understand why that was. Surely standing up would be more convenient and she would not have to sit where a thousand naked strangers had sat before her.

 

After she had finished she stepped back out into the night air. It was a dark cloudy night with no moonlight or starlight to guide her home and she started to feel a little disorientated, the drink beginning to cloud her mind. She stepped forward slowly, swaying as she struggled to walk in a straight line. Just as she began to feel a little more confident she felt a large, cold hand grasp her shoulder, holding her back. Kíli went stiff as the hand gripped her, unsure of what to do or whether or not to move. The touch froze her, chilling her blood.

 

“Hello there, my little dwarf,” Came a gruff, slurred voice. “How is my favourite dwarf slut?” Kíli shivered as she recognised the cold voice. Slowly she turned to face the familiar man. It was the man she had encountered a few nights past. The one she had let spank her like a child and whose cock she had sucked dry. She looked up into his bland eyes, unsure of what to say or do. “How are you this fine evening, my darling?” The man growled. “What's the matter? Do you not remember me?” Kíli shuddered, her eyes closing with shame. It was true that she did not remember his name, but she did remember him.

 

“I am afraid, good sir,” She said cautiously. “That I am just on my way home. So if you will excuse me.” She turned away, attempting to escape the man's grip; but he was not one to give up so easily. He pulled her hand before wrapping his arms around her, holding her tightly to his chest. Kíli struggled in his arms, trying her best to claw her way out of his grip. But it was useless. The man was much bigger than she was and the drink was having a much stronger affect on her than she had first thought. She silently cursed herself for stopping her training sessions with Dwalin. Obviously she was now out of practice when it came to combat.

 

“What ever is the matter, my little whore?” The man laughed crudely, spinning her round and slamming her into the wall. She let out a shriek of pain, feeling her back bruise. But suddenly the pain did not seem so important as she felt the stranger's body press against her own, his hard dick rubbing up against her. Kíli shut her eyes tight, wishing she were back home with Socks to hold and her brother to hold her.

 

“Please,” She whimpered. “Please, stop.” The man did not appear to be listening or at least did not care. He reached down to grope her breasts, sending a shiver down Kíli's spine. “Oh how I've dreamed of this day,” he snarled, leaning down to growl in her ear. He was not a tall man, only about seven inches taller than Kíli herself, but it was still terrifying having to look up at him. “I'm so glad that I have found you again, Kíli. I was so very disappointed when you told me you were bleeding last time we were together. But now I can finally have my way with that pretty dwarven pussy that has plagued my dreams.”

 

“No!” Kíli shrieked suddenly, pushing him back with all her strength. The man fell backwards, but his grip on Kíli's dress and his height advantage helped him keep his feet. “No!” Kíli cried again. “Stop, now!” Kíli screamed at him, trying her best to push him back again. Deep inside of her she knew that her words were pointless. The man ignored her cries, taking one hand off her breast to pin her wrists to the wall. He lowered his mouth to bite hard on the tender skin of Kíli's neck. Kíli screamed in pain, struggling as best she could. She managed to free one of her wrists and tried once again to push the man off of her. Unfortunately this time he was ready for her and was able to keep control. He lunged forward, using his body to press Kíli into the wall, his teeth still sinking into her neck.

 

“I know what you want, beautiful,” He said, lisping and spitting onto her as he spoke. “I've seen you around here, desperately looking for a new cock to please you each night. I know what a dirty little whore you are. I'm just giving you what you want.” Anger pulsed through Kíli's veins as the man snarled his cursed words. It was anger for the man who was holding her against her will, resisting her struggles and threatening abuse, but mostly it was anger for herself. She had begged her partners to fuck her, squealing with delight when they had called her a 'cock-whore' and a 'dirty girl.' Now she had become one. A dark, horrible voice in the back of her mind told her that she deserved this. That she had brought this on herself. The man continued to attack her neck, his filthy teeth scraping purple bruises over her tanned flesh. His wretched tongue laved over her, coming up to her ear, poking inside. She could feel it, hear it. It felt slimy and wrong.

 

“Do you know why I think you do this?” He asked, taking his tongue out of her ear. “I think that dwarves are not enough for a little slut like you. You need real cock. Man cock!”

 

“How fucking dare you?!” Kíli growled, spitting in his face. “You could never be as strong as a dwarf, or as big! You are nowhere near as big as-” Kíli stopped herself. She was going to say Fíli but she doubted referencing the size of her brother's dick would do her much good. The man did not respond to her words and continued trying to make her neck as wet as possible. He let go of Kíli's wrists completely, using only his body to pin her to the wall. Keeping one hand firmly on her breast, the other started lifting up her heavy skirt. Kíli's heart missed a beat.

 

“Oh my sweet darling. I bet your dwarven pussy is so tight, so wet. I bet it's delicious...” Kíli let out a desperate sob. This was it. Her secret would be uncovered. This man would beat her, leaving her broken and bleeding in the dirty alley. He would tell everyone what she was, what she had done. They would be after her; all the men she had spent the night with. She would never be able to come back here again. She would be forced to live a lonely life, suffocated by her over-bearing Uncle. He would make her stop shaving and force her to grow a beard, while her mother stood by and did nothing. Never again would she look in the mirror and see a woman staring back at her. Or perhaps the stranger would be merciful and kill her.

 

“Please,” she begged again. “Please stop.” But she knew it was useless. She was done for.

 

The next few minutes went by in little more than a flash to Kíli. It was sudden, quick, all happening in front of her closed eyelids. Suddenly the wretched hands that had been clutching her body were gone, the shock causing her knees to give way, her body falling and crashing onto the hard ground. She moaned loudly in both pain and shame, her face buried in her hands. She could hear screams, loud, terrified screams. For a moment she thought that the noises were coming from inside her own head, making her curl up further in fear. The screams, although chilling, only lasted a few seconds before they were replaced by a horrible gargling sound followed by thick liquid flowing and splashing onto the ground. Kíli raised her head off the ground but could not bring herself to open her eyes. She strained her ears, listening as the sound of flowing liquid dissolved into slow dripping, followed by a loud thud as something heavy hit the ground besides her. There was a mere beat of silence before Kíli heard someone else, someone new panting as if they had been running. It was a peculiar throaty noise, one she found vaguely familiar.

 

Finally Kíli slowly opened her eyes. The moment her lids were raised her mouth opened with them, letting out a piercing scream. Staring straight at her were the cold dead eyes of her attacker, his body still upon the filthy ground, bathed in a pool of his own red blood. His throat gaped open, blood still spilling out around his corpse, forming a chilling river that had begun to flow towards Kíli. She shot up before it could hit her, eyes still fixed on the dead stranger, her heart beating like a drum of war.

 

“Kíli...” She almost jumped at the familiar voice. Slowly she moved her eyes away from the corpse to gaze into the concerned and fearful eyes of her beloved older brother. Kíli blinked. She ran, almost tripping over the body, with her arms stretched wide before wrapping them around her saviour. He returned the embrace, folding his arms around her to hold her close against him. He squeezed her tightly but tenderly, like he never intended on letting her go. Kíli buried her face into his beard, seeking the comfort she had dearly missed.

 

“Fíli...” She whispered. Her voice was quiet, her words hidden behind chilling, tearless sobs.

  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to Legolaslover for the beta. :-)


	8. The Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fíli takes care of his sister before confronting her about her behaviour.

Fíli took his sister home, practically carrying her the whole journey as she clung to him for dear life. Kíli kept her arms wrapped tight around his neck, taking all the comfort and love he had to offer. Once the siblings were home Fíli prepared Kíli a warm bath, adding a few drops of the soothing lavender oil their mother used sometimes. Fíli did not know where their mother was. He presumed that she was in bed but Fíli decided not to check just in case he woke her. Thorin had told him earlier that he would be spending the night in the room above his forge so that he could meet a client early in the morning, so Fíli was not worried about him being home to question their lateness or Kíli's state. 

After Fíli deemed the bath water satisfactory he went back to his sister, finding her curled up on her bed, her soft lips sealed and her body shaking. 

“Come on, baby,” Fíli said softly, trying not to startle her. He reached over and slowly began to strip her out of her clothes. Kíli shivered as the cold air touched her skin, the dark memories from earlier coming back to haunt her mind. She immediately reached out for her brother, pulling him close once more. “Hush, baby,” Fíli whispered in her ear, stroking her long hair. “It's alright, you're here with me, you're safe.” His sibling let out a small whimper and nodded her head, allowing her older brother to remove the rest of her clothes. Fíli folded the purple dress up neatly before placing it on his own bed. The moment his arms had left her Kíli had retreated back into her huddled position, clearly ashamed of her nakedness. Fíli knew that she was never truly comfortable when unclothed but tonight he could also sense shame in her presence, knowing that she still feared what could have happened had he not gone looking for her. 

The prince could not help but blush as he gazed upon his younger sister's flesh. The dreams that had plagued him once again entered his mind. From behind, Kíli's body looked no different than it had in his mind's eye and even knowing what she looked like from the front could not stop his cock from twitching at the sight of her. Fíli silently cursed himself for his unclean thoughts. Now was not the time to be thinking with his dick! Not that there was ever a right time, especially when the object of his desires was his closest kin. Gently, as if she were made of spun glass as opposed to being a strong warrior, Fíli lifted Kíli up into his arms and carried her to the washroom before lowering her slowly into the tub. Kíli gasped as the hot water hit her flesh. She could not deny how good it felt, the water lapping around her skin, the sensation relaxing her muscles and washing her tainted body clean again. She jumped slightly when she felt a damp cloth press against her back.

“It's alright, my beloved,” She heard Fíli say. “It's only me.” Kíli relaxed back into the tub, letting her brother wash her. Fíli scrubbed her body clean, washing away the sweat, the grime and the stranger’s cruel touch. She moaned as her brother massaged her scalp, washing her soft hair. The touch was so innocent but to her it felt better than the hands of all the strangers combined. 

After her bath, Fíli wrapped the younger up in a fluffy towel before helping her put on her robe. He then tucked her into bed, like he used to years ago when she was just a small child, fluffing up the pillows behind her and wrapping her up in her warm, winter blankets. Kíli snuggled up in her bed, feeling warm and safe for the first time in weeks. She felt drowsiness take over her as she rested her head against the pillows. She was on the borders of sleep when Fíli returned to her, carrying a cup of sweet tea and seating himself on the edge of her bed to gazing at her with worried eyes. 

“Thank you, Fíli,” Kíli said as she took the mug from him, her voice rough from screaming. “Not just for the bath or the tea but... Thank you.” 

“I know, Kíli,” Fíli said sweetly. He leaned over to run his fingers through her damp hair. “It's alright It was nothing, truly.” 

“Nothing?” Kíli sat up, her bright eyes gazing at her brother with love and longing. “You killed for me tonight, brother.” 

“And I would do it again.” Kíli could tell from Fíli's pained expression that he meant it. Fíli looked down at his rough hands, a sigh escaping from his chapped lips. “Kíli... We have to talk.” 

“What about, brother?” She asked, taking another sip of her tea. 

“I have heard... about your exploits.” He turned away from her, avoiding her beautiful eyes. “About the men you have been... seeing. Sleeping with.” 

“So? What about them?” 

“For fucks sake, Kíli!” Fíli exclaimed, his patience wearing thin. “It's not safe, it's not sane!” 

“It's my life, brother!” Kíli replied, getting a little agitated at her brother's attitude and at how quickly he had gone from holding her close to lecturing her as if he were Thorin. “It's what I have to do!” 

“Kíli, please!” Fíli stood, his hands shaking but his head raised, determined to stand his ground. “This is not going to end well for you. I'm surprised you have not caught some painful disease already and if it has not happened yet then it will happen soon. And even if you do not consider that, then think about what happened tonight! About what that man was going to do to you!” 

“I can take care of myself, Fíli!” 

“Clearly that's a lie!” The elder sibling screamed, his patience finally breaking. “What would have happened if I have not turned up?” Fíli shut his eyes tightly. He could not bear to think about what could have happened. The thought of someone hurting his precious Kíli, taking what was rightfully his, turned his stomach worse then anything he had ever seen on one of Thorin's patrols. He sat back down next to his sister and took her hands in his. “Please, Kíli... stop doing this to yourself.” Kíli looked at her brother, her face as still as the stone of the mountain, Fíli silently begging for something; anger or hatred. Anything but silence. 

“Listen, Fee,” She said. “There is something I need to tell you. The other night I met this woman who works in the brewery about two miles away from here. She said that she would be able to find me work if I wanted it.” Fíli swallowed slowly.

“And do you?” Kíli nodded. 

“I start next week. I'm going to get some money together and see if I can rent a room somewhere.” Fíli could not believe what his sister was saying to him. He looked at her, his face utterly thunderstruck. 

“No, Kíli!” He cried. “You cannot... Please... I need you here.” 

“I cannot live here any longer, Fíli,” Kíli admitted. “It's too much. Everything with Thorin... I'm not strong enough.”

“Kíli please!” Fíli begged. “Please stay with me. If you left then... then I...”

“You would not be able to keep watch over me?” Kíli asked. Her brother's eyes were all the answer she needed.

“Kíli if you carry on the way you are acting then you are going to get yourself killed.”   
“You cannot keep me safe forever, Fíli,” Kíli challenged. “I need to live my own life.” Fíli opened his mouth to reply but he knew that his sister would be too stubborn to listen. She was so much like their uncle in some ways. 

Fíli stormed out of the small house, taking his cloak and slamming the door behind him, forgetting that their mother was probably asleep. He could not believe Kíli's attitude, how reckless and stupid she was being. Fíli looked out into the dark night, seeing the beginnings of dawn peeking over the horizon. He did not want to betray Kíli but he loved her far too much to let her carry on the way she was. Fíli pulled his hood up, keeping the cold out of his ears. He wandered down the wet, muddy path, walking with purpose towards his Uncle's forge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...Yeah...


	9. Broken Bonds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fíli confronts Thorin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternative title: 'From the Perspective of Fíli.'
> 
> Somewhat dedicated to my latest fan Brandwinsarcher :-) The latest member of my small but loyal following! XD

Thorin woke up suddenly to the sound of someone banging loudly on the thick wooden door. The door rattled harshly when it was hit, the rest of the room shaking with it. The old dwarf grumbled, dragging his body out of bed. His expression changed quickly from annoyed to angry when he saw his eldest sister-son standing in his doorway. 

“Fíli,” He growled. “When I said I would be up early I meant later than this!”

“We need to talk, Uncle,” Fíli pushed past Thorin into the small room, ignoring his words and attitude. The room was typical of one found at a work place. Thorin did not stay here often so it was mostly filled with scrap bits of metal and rusting armour. The only real piece of furniture was the small bed in the corner, if you did not include the firepit. Fíli sat down on the bed, looking into his Uncle's eyes, attempting to show that he would be there for a while. “I need to talk to you about Kíli.” Thorin groaned loudly, rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands. 

“Do not speak to me of that stupid, reckless boy!” He said in an exasperated tone. “I've done all I can with him. He's trouble- pure and simple.”

“Then you have little tolerance,” Fíli replied, determined to match his Uncle's obstinacy. “You are far too hard on her. All you are doing is pushing her away.” Thorin rubbed his eyes; sleep still clinging to him despite his frustration. 

“So he is still insisting on being treated like a woman?” Fíli stood up, reaching for his Uncle's harsh, callused hands. 

“Thorin, please,” He said quietly. “You do not need to understand it or even approve of it. But you need to learn to live with it and learn to respect it.” Thorin chuckled quietly to himself, his gaze turning to the window. 

“I should like to know how you are so accepting of this?” Thorin asked. Fíli shrugged.

“Simply because she is my sibling. I love Kíli. I would do anything in the world for her happiness, wouldn't you?” Thorin paused at that, avoiding his sister-son's eyes. It was uncanny how much Fíli had grown to be like his father, despite his death when Fíli was very young. It was not just that he was the spitting image of the missed dwarf - with his strong stance, dark skin, golden hair and, of course, that nose. But he also had his loving nature and the patience that Thorin had often envied. Kíli was not like that. To Thorin, Kíli looked like Dís and acted in his own right. Thorin had to admit that he was proud of both his little ones. 

“I do love hi... I mean Kíli,” Thorin said eventually. “I love you both very, very much. It's just the shaving... Kíli needs to learn that it's not right.”

“Why?” Fíli asked. “Because of faith? Or maybe reputation? Either way it does not matter. Are both those things more important to you than Kíli?” Thorin ignored him. He just continued to stand in the centre of the room as if Fíli had said nothing. 

“Please, Fíli,” He whispered. “Do not do this to me.” 

“I am sorry Uncle, I do not mean to cause you pain,” Fíli admitted. Thorin could tell that he meant it, despite the pain his words still caused. “But I cannot stand to see you both like this. And although she will not admit it, Ma cannot either. You are spending more and more time here instead of at home and Kíli is spending far too many nights in the arms of strangers!”

“What?” Fíli realised what he had said only after he said it. He felt each hair on the back of his neck slowly stand up. 

“Forget I said that!” He said quickly. “The point is-”

“What do you mean by 'in the arms of strangers’?” Thorin roared, grasping Fíli’s arm harshly. Fíli hissed in pain, his Uncle's grip holding him tight. 

“P-Please Thorin, let go!” He whimpered. It was not so much the pain that scared him as the terrifying look in his Uncle's eyes. He knew that right now a hungry warg pack was more likely to be merciful than his short-tempered uncle. 

“Not until you talk!” Thorin grabbed Fíli's hair with his free hand, holding his eldest sister-son tight, twisting with one hand and pulling with the other. Fíli closed his eyes in shame, unable to believe his own betrayal.

“She has been... spending her nights in the company of strangers she meets at taverns. Mostly travelling men, never dwarves. She tells them that she is bleeding so she can... do things with them without suspicion. She does it because they are the only people who see her as a dwarrowdam.”

Thorin let go of Fíli, the boy falling back onto the bed in shock. Fíli looked up at Thorin. His Uncle was using the same expression Kíli had used on him earlier that evening. The bland face - scarier than any of anger or sorrow. 

“Thorin...” Fíli whispered. For a while Thorin said nothing. He just stood there, his breath getting heavier by the second. 

“Right then!” He said suddenly, grabbing his cloak off its hook by the door. “Stay here!”

“No!” Fíli screamed, leaping to his feet. He crashed nose first into the door the moment Thorin locked it from the outside. “Please, Uncle,” He screamed, pounding and pushing at the door. “Please do not hurt her. Leave her alone, please!” For ten minutes Fíli banged and screamed at the door, calling out for his Uncle, begging him to come back. But it was useless. He was gone. 

Fíli turned away from the door, his knuckles bleeding and splintered from the attack on the hard wood. His eyes found the one dirty mirror, positioned above the washbasin, the only comfort in the room Thorin used on a regular basis. Fíli looked at himself with nothing more than disgust. He became aware of the pain in his nose only when he noticed the blood that dripped out of it, staining his shirt. He did not care, he deserved it; he deserved all the pain. He made a big show of protecting his sister but it was all clearly bullshit. Every night he was plagued by dreams where he touched his little sister, molested her, and afterwards he could not help but touch himself. And now he had betrayed her to the one person who she feared the most. He was disgusting. A pervert. Fíli stared at his vile face, watching the blood pour from his nose, raising his hands to watch the blood dripping from his knuckles. He deserved it. Every bit of pain. Unable to look at himself one moment longer, Fíli raised his damaged fist and punched his pathetic image in the face. The glass shattered, flying across the room, shredding the skin of his hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...I'm really sorry.


	10. The Price of Honesty

Dís felt her entire house shake as the front door slammed. She sighed in frustration, throwing the freshly washed shirt she had been folding back into the basket, now crumpled again from her anger. Her head throbbed. Living in this torn house was giving her the most dreadful migraines. And it would probably eventually result in her house literally tearing in two! She was sick of all the hostility that surrounded her once loving family. It was destroying the small but beautiful house her sister-in-law had worked so hard to pay for. She left her room cautiously, creeping slowly as if the dwarf in the kitchen was actually a dangerous, hungry warg, rather than a beloved family member. She crept into the hallway dreading but ready to calm down either her older brother or son.

The moment she stepped into the hallway she was nearly bowled over by the force of her brother's rage.

“Where is he?” Thorin growled, his breath coming out loudly in harsh pants, each breath harbouring a deep throated growl like he truly was a wild animal prepared to kill.

“Who? Fíli?” Dis asked, slightly taken-aback by her brother's state as well as him being so angry first thing in the morning. His greying hair was dishevelled, like that of a wild, old dog sniffing around a bustling market street, with his usually pale face now an alarming shade of purple.

“No,” Thorin replied, his tone becoming slow yet far more chilling. “The other one. The brat!” Dís turned away from her brother, hugging herself tight. A voice in her heart was telling her to slap her brother for talking so harshly about her child, but there was a stronger feeling in her head telling her not to react.

“Brother,” She whimpered. “Please calm down.”

“Calm down?” Thorin said with a horribly sarcastic laugh, his face crawling into a creepy smile. “Do you want to know what your eldest just told me about your youngest? Did you know that your precious little baby is nothing more than a dirty little whore?” Dís visibly winced.

“Thorin please.”

“A filthy little thing that spends his evenings lingering in sleazy taverns.”

“Thorin.”

“Seeking out strangers to spend the night with.”

“Thorin.”

“Looking for filthy, drunken men to satisfy him. Men Dís!”

“Thorin please!” Dís screamed. She sat down suddenly at the kitchen table, pushing her palms firmly against her face, yelling nonsense in frustration. She could not cry anymore. She just could not stand it. As a lady of Erebor she had been taught by her nursemaid that a good lady stays out of conflict, staying silent and distancing herself from the larger issues. It had been a mantra that she had whispered to herself every single morning since the day she could remember having conscious thought. When she had lost her mother to fire, her brother to war and even when she had lost her husband to himself, she had managed to get by biting her lip and keeping her feelings inside. But despite getting through more grief than anyone should ever have to endure without so much as a whisper it was a personal war between her brother and her children that had caused the flood gates to burst open. Every night for the past few weeks she had softly cried herself to sleep, worrying about Kíli and fearing her loyalty to her brother and her faith. The moment she had allowed herself to voice her pain it seemed she could not stop feeling sorry for herself. Something about it had made her strangely grateful for the whole scenario- but only for a few hours.  
Despite it being years since his death, Dís still kept her husband's belongings exactly as they had been left. The majority of her room was like a museum, like the clocks had stopped sixty-five years ago and no-one had come in to fix them. Her husband’s combs, rings, buckles and beads were all exactly where he had left them on his dresser as if Dís expected him to come home any day and pick up where he had left off, despite the dust settling comfortably on and all around them. As well as keeping his smaller items as they had been left, his clothes still hung in the wardrobe and his boots still warmed by the fireplace. Even his dark mauve cloak still hung on its peg next to the door. Dís had lived like this for years- until recently.  
When she had finally allowed herself to speak her mind Dís had taken one of her husband's favourite shirts from the wardrobe to take into her bed. If she inhaled deeply she could smell his faint musky scent, making her heart soar and crumble at the same time. For the first few nights it was innocent, the premature-widow cuddling the shirt to her chest like a child with a comfort toy. It gave her a sense of peace after a day of her darling boys fighting with their uncle. But as the fights got more and more violent, her longing for her husband became more and more desperate. The night after the morning when Thorin had spanked her late adolescent sons as if they were naughty children caught stealing cakes before dinner-time; Dís had stayed up late in the kitchen, slowly sipping a glass of her husband's favourite whisky until she had nearly finished the bottle. She stumbled into her bedroom, staring intensely at her husband's belongings, tears coming to her eyes. She had tripped over thin air shortly after entering the room, forcing herself to grasp the wardrobe door to stop herself crashing to the ground. The door had swung open when she grabbed the handle, forcing the lost princess to look at her One’s clothes, all hung up neatly waiting for their owner. With a feeling of childlike wonder in her chest and without thinking twice Dís had taken the shirt and had draped over the side of the bed her husband would always sleep on when he was alive. She approached the bed with a sweet smile, as if the love of her life really was lying there in bed. She could almost see his sweet smile, dimples just visible under the mass of golden beard.  
Every night now she would talk to the shirt, telling him about her concerns for their children, the battle they were having with their Uncle. She would tell him all about Kíli, about the things he said and did. How it worried her and how she was torn between the love for her child and her heritage and loyalty to her brother. She would beg her husband for guidance, for him to tell her how to react to Kíli. Then, every night, she would weep, silent tears into her husband's shirt until she could finally find rest. She knew that if she ever told anyone then she would find herself locked up but it was the only way that she could get to sleep these days. But she was glad that she was now able to confide in him in a way she had never been able to when he had been alive. And at least she had someone to confide in, even if it was just an old shirt.

“Please Thorin,” She said again. “Please stop the shouting, the fighting please! It's just too much.”

“Forgive me, little sister,” Thorin said, looming above her with his hands firmly on his hips. “But that stupid little brat has gone too far this time!”

“Never speak that way about my baby you bastard!” Dís screamed back at him, her patience finally snapping and the voice in her heart winning, if only for a second, smirking slightly as she saw her brother visibly recoil. Few dwarves knew that their king's younger sister was the only person who could make him feel small. Dís pulled out a handkerchief, wiping her eyes before blowing her nose loudly.  
“You know Thorin,” She said softly, more to her table than to her brother. “The day I realised I was carrying Kíli... My whole life seemed to change. My husband had just died- Not even knowing he would have another child. I just... I spent days, weeks even, wondering how I was going to handle two children on my own. I was a mess. But then I thought about how happy I was when Fíli was born. How complete I felt. I then realised how beautiful this truly was, that I had been given another chance to feel that again.” Dís smiled to herself, running her handkerchief between her fingers. “I used to pray for a girl you know. Every night before I went to bed. Of course I loved Fíli with all my heart, but I still pinned for a daughter. Someone who I could share things with that I could never share with Fíli. Then the strange thing was when Kíli was born I was not even disappointed. I just accepted it, I never even felt anything. It was not until years later that I realised how strange that was... And now, with all of this...”

Thorin sat down next to his sister, running a hand down her back in a soothing gesture.

“It'll be alright Dís,” Thorin said, in a voice so comforting that coming from him it was almost terrifying. “Kíli will get past this. He'll grow out of this. In fifty years he'll look back at this with embarrassment.”

“But what if he cannot Thorin?” Dís reached over to hold her brother's clammy hand. “A few years ago when this all started, when he first confessed to us this desire to wear girls clothes and go around all dressed up, I was more than happy to help him make clothes and tailor my old frocks for him. Perhaps because I thought it was just a phase, something he would grow out of- as you said. I never thought it would... That this would happen. He never seemed different. He was always running around with his brother. Telling me how he wanted to be a warrior like you or Dwalin. But at the same time I could always tell that there was something off about him. Every time I held him I could feel that something was wrong. The clothes never worried me really. Although I did start to wonder how long it would last though. Would any woman really want to marry a man who dressed himself up prettier than she was?”

Dís paused in her speech to look at her brother, slightly worried that he had stayed silent throughout. Taking her hand back she began to play with her wedding ring, twisting it around on her finger.

“I could get used to it you know brother. All of it. Maybe it's not ideal or what I would wish for him but I could. I doubt he would ever find a wife... Although if what you have said is true then I doubt he would want one anyway. I could get used to the clothes and the kohl; I could even get used to him not having a beard... given time.” Dís began to chew on the skin of her thumb, her hand shaking as she did so. “I'll probably mourn for my little boy for the rest of my life. But this way I'd still have my Kíli. The last gift my husband ever gave me. I need him brother. I need him to be safe and happy.”

Thorin's tired eyes focused on his sister. The pressure of waking up so early had suddenly hit him like a raging bull and he could not help but suppress a yawn. He would have to head back soon to greet his customer. Also he probably would have to let Fíli out of that room eventually. Thorin rubbed his eyes wearily, letting out a deep sigh.

“The clothes I could live with,” He admitted. “When I thought it was just clothes I thought he was... Odd but what he does behind closed doors... But now, telling people that he is a dwarrow-dam, shaving and whoring himself to these men. Other dwarrows would be disturbing enough but men, Dís!” Thorin felt the anger boil back into his blood. “He needs to learn how to behave like a Dúrin. I honestly do not know where we went wrong. All I know is that I will not let you lose your boy.”

Thorin stood, force sending his chair back, slamming into a cabinet.

“Brother...” Dís whimpered. The house stood still, the Ereobian Lady's heart beating in her chest.

“Go to work little sister,” He said. “I'll take care of everything.”

*

Kíli awoke suddenly when she heard Socks yowl loudly. She sat upright, her eyes snapping wide open in horror as she watched her only friend dangle above her face, squirming and screeching as Thorin held him tightly by the skin on the back of his neck.

“Uncle!” Kíli screamed. “What are you doing? Put him down, he hates that!” She reached out to get him but Thorin simply raised the whining cat higher.

“Get up Kíli,” Thorin growled before cruelly dropping the cat on the floor. Socks, who was now too old and fat to conform to old wives tales, let out a loud wail before landing on his front paw and rolling onto his round stomach. Kíli, of her own accord rather than her Uncle's prompting, leapt out of bed to cradle the soft cat to her chest.

“Thorin, why in fuck’s name did you do that?” Kíli held Socks close, horrified by her guardian’s actions. “If you are mad at me for something then punish me, do not bully Socks!” She cradled him like a baby, rocking him like an infant in her arms. Thorin just stared on, staring at his sister's child with nothing more than disgust.

“I intend to punish you Kíli,” He said sternly. “Punish you harshly; but it'll be no more or less than you deserve!” Kíli could not help but roll her eyes.

“Oh please Thorin,” She scoffed. “What are you going to do to me? Are you going to spank me again?”

“Yes,” Thorin said plainly, as if Kíli had just asked him if he would like sugar in his coffee. He slowly approached Kíli, his movement stiff and chilling. “I probably will spank you. You certainly deserve it. But it's not enough.” Kíli felt her whole body grow cold as she met her Uncle's dark eyes.

“Thorin...” Her Uncle lunged forward, grabbing Kíli by her shoulders and shoving her hard against the wall. Kíli screamed in pain, her back still bruised from the night before. Lost in surprise and pain she was forced to drop an already traumatised Socks. The old coward managed to land on all fours this time but promptly ran to quiver under the bed, his pretty but terrified eyes occasionally flicking up at his mistress. He was fairly sure that she was about to piss herself- and if she did not then he might have to! Thorin wrapped his strong hand around her throat, holding her firmly in his grasp. Memories of the night before poured into her fragile mind. She could smell the stranger's dirty flesh and see his cold dead eyes. Her stomach churned as her Uncle reminded her that what had happened to her was not, as she had hoped, a terrifying nightmare. Somewhere in her mind she begged for Fíli to once again come to her rescue.  
“Look at you, you and your pathetic whimpering,” Thorin growled in her ear. “Maybe you really are a girl.” Kíli felt bile rise in her throat. “I know your little secret. Fíli told me.” Kíli's heart skipped a beat, her body going limp in Thorin's grip.

“No,” She gasped out. She was not going to believe it. Fíli would not betray her to Thorin, even if he did not approve of her actions. He was angry at her certainly but he would never do something like this.  
“Yes, you stupid child,” Thorin said back. “He told me all about your evenings. About the men you've been sleeping with. I'm appalled by your behaviour Kíli. I expected better from you than this. I knew there was something wrong with you. I knew you were insane. But this...” Thorin visibly retched. His grip loosened but Kíli did not pull away. Her body was still from shock.  
“No,” She whimpered. “No. Not Fíli... Not my Fíli.”  
Suddenly Thorin pulled away completely, dropping Kíli, watching as she collapsed on the floor, a shivering wreck.  
“Clearly you cannot be trusted in the outside world,” He said firmly. “You are too much of a child to be allowed out alone. You will stay here in this room until I figure out what to do with you.”  
Kíli said nothing in return. She remained on the floor, curling up into a ball, rocking herself back and forth gently in an attempt to calm her nerves. She did not say a word as her Uncle turned away, nor as she heard the door lock behind him.  
A quiet mewl snapped her out of state of fear. Kíli looked up at Sock's little face, a smile creeping into her lips as he pressed his spongy, wet nose onto her cheek. Kíli sat up, scratching Socks behind the ears, giggling in delight when he purred. The young Dúrin sat on her knees to cradle Socks in her arms once more. Feeling his warm fluff against her skin was the only comfort she now felt she truly had.  
It was not as if she could rely on her brother anymore. Not even Thorin would be cruel enough to lie about Fíli telling him about her evenings. But Kíli never imagined in her wildest nightmares that Fíli would stoop so low as to tell Thorin her secrets. She did not even understand why he would bother saving her life last night if his only intention was to make her life a living hell.  
She hated her brother. She hated him.

*

It was not until a fair few hours later that Thorin finally unlocked the door to his room at the forge. He had not honestly meant to keep his heir trapped for so long. His early client had turned out to be even more of a grumpy old bastard than Thorin had originally thought he was and the exiled King had been forced to make several immediate adjustments to his order, putting him miles behind his scheduled day of work. For this the normal daily work had dragged on much longer, with Thorin barely getting a chance to piss rather than go and explain to his eldest sister-son his intentions for his youngest. He did feel somewhat guilty for leaving Fíli locked away for so long but at least this way he knew that he had defiantly been given enough time to calm down.  
It was very late in the afternoon when Thorin slowly opened the stiff door, the eerie creak echoing through the forge. Thorin looked inside to see his eldest nephew curled up on his bed in a similar position to the one he'd left his youngest in.

“Fíli?” Thorin said calmly but firmly. He needed this conversation to go smoothly – although knowing the short fuses that plagued all members of the Dúrin clan he knew that his need would be nothing more than an unanswered prayer. Asking any Dúrin to be patient and calm was like asking a troll to take a long leisurely walk on a hot summers day. “Fíli are you awake?” Fíli let out a low groan but gave no real answer. “Fíli, we have to talk.” Fíli lifted his head from the pillow, his body struggling as if his hair had turned to lead.  
“What could you possibly have left to say?” Fíli said his voice horse and scratchy, as if he had just swallowed a pint of broken glass.  
“Come on Fíli,” Thorin said, his tone revealing all of his exasperation.  
“No!” Fíli snapped back. “Where is Kíli? What have you done to her?” Fíli turned to his uncle, his eyes blood red with tears. Thorin crossed his arms, standing firmly in front of the entrance.  
“Kíli is at home. Where he is going to stay until I feel he can be trusted. I've locked the room to your bedroom to be sure that he cannot leave. For the time being you can stay in my room and I will stay here. I'm sorry if that seems harsh to you but after what you said this morning I feel like this is the only way I can know he is safe.”  
Fíli remained on the bed. Thorin waited patiently for the outburst, the attack. But none came. He just sat there in silence. Thorin stared intensely at his sister-son, inspecting his stance carefully. His eyes widened when he noticed the state of his bloody hands. The old dwarf stared at the shredded, damaged skin, paralysed in fear and guilt. He opened his mouth to speak but could only manage a series of gasps and spluttery noises. He approached his nephew, meaning to tend to the wounds, but was not surprised to see him leap out of the way. Thorin bit his lip hard, grimacing as he heard Fíli hiss in pain when he pushed up with his hands.  
“Fíli come back here!” He ordered. “Show me your hands now!”  
But the King was shouting after nothing. Fíli was already gone. Once his Uncle had moved away from the entrance, Fíli sprinted past Thorin, straight through the door. Thorin shouted after him, possibly ran after him. Fíli could not say. He had to get home. He had to see his Kíli. Every time he opened his fists the wounds re-opened, spilling more of his red blood.  
Kíli...Kíli...Kíli  
Her name echoed in his head with every beat of his heart. If Thorin had hurt her in anyway because of what he had told him, Fíli would never forgive himself. Kíli had had a hard enough time of it all without him pissing everything up for her. He ran down the muddy paths as fast as his legs would carry him. His legs were struggling due to the lack of sleep and his stomach could not stop reminding him that he had yet to eat anything that day. But he refused to let the poor state of his body slow him down in anyway. He needed his sister; he needed to hold her in his arms.  
Pervert  
“Shut-up!” Fíli screamed to the haunting voice inside his head- startling a lonely hunter who was on his way back to the village. Fíli avoided eye-contact with the stranger and powered forward towards his home.

 

“Kíli...” Fíli tried to call out upon bursting through the front door. The moment he stopped running a wave of tiredness washing over his body. He felt his skin flush red with heat as he leant wheezing against the table. Every time he tried to cry out all that he managed was a series of coughs and splutters. His chest tightened as breathing became more difficult.

“Here.” Fíli turned to see his mother handing him a drink. Fíli nodded his thanks, taking the glass and downing the cool water.

“You smoke too much baby,” Dís sighed, shaking her head.

“Kíli,” Fíli gasped.

“Beg pardon?”

“Kíli. Where is she? Is she alright?” Dís forced a smile, wiping the sweat from her son's brow with an old dish cloth.

She knew where Kíli was. She had stopped by the forge on her way home from work and forced her brother to explain what he had done. Thorin had spared her two minutes to tell her his plan to keep Kíli locked away for the time being. Dís felt like she should have been concerned but in all honesty she was too tired. Too tired of tears from herself and the rest of her family as well as being too tired of the war. So she simply told Thorin that she would head home to think about it. For the rest of her evening she had sat at home, slowly making her way through a bottle of wine, considering her brother’s proposal. She had to admit that that she was a little unsettled by it- but at this stage she would do anything for peace.

“Here Fíli,” Dís said, pulling out a chair from the kitchen table. “Sit down for a few moments.” Fíli ignored her, turning his rampage towards his room but was immediately stopped by his Mother's firm but tender grip on his arm. Dís pulled her son over and forced him into the chair. “Please darling. Just rest for a moment will you. Please.” Fíli grunted in frustration. He looked longingly at his bedroom door, then back at his mother.

“Fine,” He said through gritted teeth. “But only for a minute and only if you can tell me about Kíli.”

“It's Kíli I want to talk to you about, Fíli.” Dís rubbed her brow. She could feel another migraine coming on. “Thorin told me what you told him this morning. Regarding Kíli and how he's been dressing as a woman in order to meet men at night.”

“No Ma,” Fíli said exasperated. “She goes to meet men at night because they see her as a woman. She dresses as a woman because she is a woman.”

“Yes right, of course.” Dís bit her lip, her fingertips slowly rubbing her temple harder. It was definitely a migraine. “He is a girl.” Fíli scoffed.

“I honestly do not understand why you both insist on making her so miserable!”  
Dís decided to ignore her son’s comment, deciding to pour herself another glass of wine rather than respond to Fíli.  
Fíli, feeling he had listened long enough, tried to storm off, but once again was pulled into the chair by his tired and frustrated Mother.

“I'm sorry Fíli. I do not want to upset you. But I have to say that I agree with your Uncle. I think it would be best to keep Kíli indoors for a little while.”

Fíli looked at her, his face positively thunderstruck. 

“How can you say a thing like that Ma!” He exclaimed. Once again Dís ignored his attitude and continued to sip her wine.

“Fíli, if Kíli were my daughter and I found out that she was doing what you claim Kíli has been doing then I would confine her to her room without question. And given the circumstances... Considering that Kíli is… Kíli. If someone found out about him then he would be locked away somewhere far less pleasant than his bedroom. I want him where I can keep an eye on him, where I know he is safe.”

Dís took her deep blue cloak from its hook, giving the mauve one that hung besides it a longing look whilst she threw her own over her shoulders. She was not going to stay here and have yet another pointless argument. “I'm going for a walk. I need to shake this headache.”

“You’d have less of a headache to shake if you drank less wine,” Fíli muttered. Dís either ignored him or did not hear him.  
“I'll be back soon to prepare dinner. Just stay here for a while, baby, rest. Give Kíli some time to think things over.” With that she simply left.

Fíli surprisingly obeyed his mother and sat still for a few moments, straining his ears, listening for any kind of movement from down the hall. Before the voice inside his head returned.

You did this to her.

“I know,” He croaked.

Pervert

Fíli screamed, throwing the empty wine bottle onto the floor, staring as it shattered into a thousand pieces, spreading across the kitchen. Much like the mirror he had broken in the morning. Fíli looked down at his hands. His mother had not even noticed, although he could probably blame the other empty wine bottles that remained unvandalised on the countertop. His blood coated his hands, the sting still sending tingles throughout his body. He still could not care. If he bled to death it was nothing more than he deserved. Fíli crept down the dark hallway, disturbed by the silence.

“Kíli?” He whispered. “Kíli are you there?” He knocked gently at his bedroom door. There was no answer. “Please Kíli. Are you alright?” Still nothing. “Kíli I'm so sorry. I did not mean to tell him, it just came out. I was just trying to make him see what his abuse was doing to you. I never meant to hurt you Kíli, you know that… do you? You must do! I... I love you Kíli.” Again there was nothing but silence.

“Please Kíli.” Fíli felt tears return to his eyes. “Please let me know you are alright.”

He sat up when he heard some scratching at the door. At least Socks was in there with her.  
“Kíli?”

“Go away Fíli,” Kíli muttered.

“Kíli! Are you alright? Baby?”

“Go away Fíli!” Kíli snapped firmly though the door. “I do not want to speak to you. All I have to say to you is that I used your shirts to clean up Sock's piss!” Fíli cringed, more from his sister's distain for him than what she had said.

“I do not care, Kíli. Please, I'm begging you, please talk to me.”

“No Fíli. Go away!”

“Kíli-”

“Shut-up Fíli!” She screamed. “Just shut-up and piss off! I have nothing to say to you. I hate you!”

Fíli stood up. He felt his insides churn and clench, as if he had just been punched in the stomach. Slowly, he shuffled away from the door, moving like his shoes had turned to granite. He entered his Uncle's room, the bed clean, made and unslept in. With nothing left to do Fíli sat down, his eyes dropping to the floor. His heart felt empty. How could he have hurt his Kíli? He had fucked up utterly. All he had ever wanted to do was protect her; from Thorin and from the world.

Fíli stayed in the room for the rest of the evening. He did not move when he heard his mother return home or his Uncle. Neither did he move when he heard them call him for dinner. Even if he had wanted to be around them both, his stomach was still churning too much to accept food anyway. The evening drifted slowly into night. He heard his Uncle leave for the forge and his Mother go to bed herself. Fíli just lay down on his bed, his face buried in the pillow. He thought he could perhaps hear Socks scratching at the base of Kíli's locked door, desperate to escape. Fíli growled to himself, turning over on the large bed to stare at the ceiling.

He could not fall asleep. He knew he should have been exhausted having stayed up with Kíli all of the previous night and after spending most of his morning banging on the door of the forge. But he still knew that he could not allow sleep to find him. How could he when he knew the moment he closed his eyes all he would see was his little sister naked. With a body they both knew she would never have. Fíli was so confused. Why was this happening to him? He could see how someone could be attracted to Kíli. She was gorgeous. With her soft skin, dazzling smile and her big shining eyes. Plus there was no-one else in the world as fun, as funny, as comforting or as generous as Kíli was. There was no-one else in the world he would rather be around.

And now she would never want to speak to him again.

Maybe it was for the best in a horrible way. He wanted Kíli to be happy more than anything else in the world. He was sure that eventually Thorin would calm down. Alright maybe he was not sure, but he could not keep Kíli locked away forever. There must be some sort of law against that. Then again if anyone could get away with law breaking Thorin could. Maybe sooner or later Ma would let her out. Maybe.

But one thing was for certain. Kíli did not need him around anymore. All he did was fuck things up. She was better off without him.

Fíli sprung out of bed, charging out of the room, taking his cloak on the way out, not bothering to consider anyone else in the house that may have been asleep. Fíli knew there was no point staying in bed if he would not allow himself to sleep. And he needed a way of letting go of Kíli. He walked through the dark streets of the familiar small town, the one he had spent many childhood moments in. But it was not the small toffee shop or the toy makers he needed tonight. Fíli headed down a dark alleyway, heading towards what was referred to by the elders as the “dirty part of town.” Fíli did not visit this part of town often. At least probably not as often as a healthy young dwarrow his age normally would. Strangely he did not feel lonely as often as his friends did. Probably because he had always had Kíli to keep him company.

Or maybe you were just satisfied with thinking of her then touching yourself!

Fíli roared in the dark alleyway, kicking something over in the dark. The mysterious object rattled off the stone walls as Fíli fell to his knees in the darkness, his head buried in his hands. He pressed his fists into his eyes, pushing back the tears. He could not bear to cry again. As if it were also against him, like the rest of the world seemed to be, the bright moon came out from behind a cloud to light the alleyway just in time for Fíli to look at his torn battered hands. He supposed it had been an accident in some respects, but the feeling that had soared through his veins afterwards, the few moments of peace that the pain had allowed him, knowing that he was getting what he deserved- the feeling had made him glad to have cut himself. Perhaps this entire night time journey could have been replaced by staying at home and finding a sharp enough blade; but now Fíli had gotten the idea of the evening into his head and it would not leave until it had been satisfied.

Fíli walked swiftly with his head down past the singing drunks and sleeping homeless dwarves that occupied this particular part of town. He did not fear being recognised. Anyone claiming to have seen him in this part of town late at night would also have to admit to being in this part of town late at night. He did however fear that he would be turned away from his regular “establishment” for what he was about to ask for. Instead he would have to go right to the end of the street, somewhere he had never dared to venture before.

The young prince hesitated for only a second before he slowly pushed open the strong wooden door. It swung open clearly, revelling to him a surprisingly pleasant entrance hall, decorated in fine art and soft velvets, far from the filth his imagination had prepared him for.

“Can I help you sir?” Came a weary voice. Fíli turned towards the middle-aged woman, leaning over a ridiculously shiny desk whilst she half-heartedly flicked through a large book.

“Yes thank-you,” He replied. Despite having been in this situation a thousand times before and normally having such confidence in such houses, Fíli found himself disturbingly nervous and the prospect of describing what he needed. “I need a girl.”

“You and the rest of the world,” The woman replied without looking up from her book. “Any specifics?” Fíli's usual reply of a stacked red-head balanced on the tip of his tongue. But he could not give in now. He needed to do this. Just for the hope that it might keep him sane for another night or two.

“A dwarrow-dam preferably.” The woman snorted.

“That describes the majority of our workers,” She replied with a mocking wink. “Anything else.” Fíli swallowed.

“A... A dwarrow-dam... who is tall. Tall but slender. With long thick hair, beautiful hair, that she is always having to flick out of her eyes. Her eyes, which are brighter than the full moon – and almost as big. Eyes that shine when they look at you, making you feel like you are the most important person in the entire world. Eyes that make you feel safer and more loved than anything else in the world could. And her hands... her hands should be large but soft. So soft that they would make a handful of duck feathers feel like a handful of rusty nails. Her grip being so strong yet so gentle that when she takes your hand you know in your heart that she can both defend you and love you simultaneously, letting you know that so long as she is with you... You could never want for anything.”

Fíli opened his eyes, not realising that he had closed them, and immediately looked down at the well-polished floor. He could not believe what he had just said to this complete stranger. With a hot blush creeping over his cheeks he allowed himself to face the woman. But her reaction was not the one of mirth he had been expecting.

The women stared at him, her eyes filled with what could only have been pity. Fíli was relieved that she had not laughed at him but had to admit that this reaction was not much better. Finally she turned away from him and took one of the many keys that hung behind her off its hook.

“Here, darling,” She said. “Her name’s Sarí, she'll do for the night. Best of luck to you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to GreenSorceress and WillasWillow for standing in as BETA readers :-)


	11. Empty Fantasies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fíli tries to his best to satisfy his hidden desires.

 

As it turned out Sarí was a red-head, which any other night would have been an added bonus. But not tonight. She was however tall and slender with long, thick hair, but tiny, rough hands. Fíli accepted that this would never be perfect but maybe if he closed his eyes, it might be good enough for tonight at least. Sarí lay out on her large bed wearing nothing but a red, silk and almost transparent robe with her smooth, bare legs stretched out across the bed. Fíli could not deny that she looked fairly alluring.

 

“Good evening,” She said to him, her voice husky from smoke and cheap whisky. She flicked her lovely ginger hair over her shoulders, batting her long eyelashes at him. She posed on the bed for a short while, waiting for Fíli to come forward or say something to her. When he stayed still and silent she sat up on the bed, shrugging off her robe, leaving her completely nude. She laid down back on her bed, spreading her legs wide open. “Whenever you're ready,” She said blankly, staring at the ceiling. To Fíli she looked as if she were settling into her usual routine. It was as if she were waiting for him to go over, stick his dick inside her, finish and pull out, leaving her ready and waiting for the next horny bastard in line.

 

“Actually,” Fíli said finally, after a disturbingly long silence that did not seem to faze Sarí in the slightest. “I was hoping for something a little more… special.” Sari sat up, propping herself on her elbows and closing her legs a little.

 

“More special than me you mean?” She asked. Despite her position Fíli could swear there was disappointment in her eyes. He could tell she needed this job and the money that came with it.

 

“No! Not at all!” He assured her. “You’re fine. More than fine. Not exactly perfect but… Well good enough. Not to say that you’re not-“

 

“Then what’s the problem?” Sarí asked, not willing to let the stranger in her bedroom prattle on for longer than he had to. Fíli could tell she was getting pissed off with him. Not pissed off enough to throw him out but still pissed off.

 

“I meant with the actual act,” Fíli explained, sitting down on the edge of her bed, looking into Sarí’s beautiful yet empty eyes. “I was hoping that you could do something for me.”

 

“What?” Sarí smiled at him. She could not deny that she actually felt a little sorry for the boy. He did not look like he had had the best day. His hands were battered and his nose looked like it had been broken recently. Sarí crawled over to him, resting a hand on his shoulder. “Anything you want darling. It’s what I’m here for.”

 

Fíli smiled back at her. It was not the first time he had heard that from a whore and it was a sentence that never made him very comfortable. He did not like the idea of a beautiful young lady’s sole purpose being to help him recreate his most devious fantasies. He hated it more than ever today- since tonight’s fantasy was making even him shudder with disgust.

 

“How would you feel,” He began. “And feel free to say no to this. But how would you feel about calling me… Brother? You know while we are entwined so to speak.” Fíli bit his lip, bracing himself for the moment when he would be thrown out and barred.

 

As it was Sarí simply scoffed and went back to her previous position, spreading her legs wider. “Sure thing Darling. Will you be calling me Sister?”

 

“If that’s alright with you,” Fíli replied, relieved and a little disturbed at how casual she was being about this. Perhaps this was not the first time someone had come to her with this sort of fantasy, a thought that did not actually make him feel any better. He started to strip himself of his clothes, hoping to catch up with Sarí.

 

“So is this some sort of religious fantasy then?” Sarí asked.

  
“Um, sort of yes.” Fíli dropped his trousers to the floor, stepping out of them and kicking them away. Sarí looked him up and down, admiring his strong body. He was definitely better company then her usual clients. She began to wonder why a handsome dwarf such as this would need her services. But maybe perusing another dwarrow-dam romantically was too much for the young lad. Sarí could tell he was in love. She could read it clearly, so often seeing that look in his eyes on countless others that came to her. He loved a lady that could never be his. It was clear to her that this lady was a beautiful Sister who considered herself married to the maker and could never love Fíli in return. Perhaps Fíli wanted to be called brother as he was thinking of joining the order himself just to be close to the woman he loved. Perhaps he already had.

 

After Fíli had striped himself naked he climbed on top of her, clinging to her tightly, rubbing his fat cock over her slowly dampening folds.

 

“Umm brother,” Sarí moaned, arching up into his touch. “Feels so good.” Fíli could tell she did not mean it. She was a fine actress, but he could still tell.

 

Fíli buried his face into her soft ginger hair, feeling tears come to his eyes. It was softer than Kíli’s and smelt like strawberries. Fíli liked the way Kíli’s hair was slightly rougher, he liked the way it scratched his nose. Plus Kíli’s hair usually smelt like blueberries. Fíli liked blueberries.

 

Fíli ran his hand down Sarí’s body to grasp her left breast tight. He held it in his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze, running his thumb over the nipple making her shudder. Fíli pouted. Kíli’s breasts were bigger and firmer. Even if he could not play with her nipples. He could not deny that every time he had helped Kíli dress he had always felt a twinge every time he was able to sneak a feel of her breasts. Even if he always felt dirty afterwards.

 

Leaving Sarí’s breasts alone Fíli pushed his fingers in between her delicate folds, caressing them lightly, running them slowly up and down making her squirm.

 

“Oh brother please,” She gasped, starting to feel a lot more aroused. “Please touch me.”

 

Fíli shut his eyes tight, picturing Kíli’s beautiful face inside his mind as he continued to finger the late night whore. In his dreams Kíli’s flower was so much tighter and wetter. She would squirm in his arms and make those delicious mewling noises he would sometimes hear in the middle of the night.

 

But Sarí was not Kíli. He would never know what it was like to touch Kíli.

 

Fíli sat up suddenly, flipping Sari over and positioning her on all floors. Without even waiting for a response from the poor girl, Fíli pushed his cock swiftly inside her slit, desperately trying to keep his erection. He needed release. Sarí did not complain about the change in position. Fíli was actually being incredibly courteous compared to all her other customers. She braced herself against the headboard and let Fíli fuck her into oblivion.

The golden dwarf prince tried to squeeze Sarí’s buttocks but immediately placed his hands back on her waist. They were nothing like Kíli’s. Kíli arse was far firmer. Far better. He did not know what was wrong with him. Sarí was beautiful, incredibly so. Was he to be forever cursed? Would he never be satisfied until it was his sister beneath his hands? If that was the truth then he would have to get used to never being satisfied again.

Sarí seemed to sense her customer’s distress and pushed back against him, crying out louder with every thrust.

“Brother!” She cried again. “Right there, right there! Thank-you!”

“You’re so beautiful sister,” Fíli whispered. “I love you so much baby.” His eyes remained tight shut. “Could you… Could you speak a little deeper?” He asked nervously, still hard inside her.

“Sure thing darling,” Sarí replied, somewhat out of breath. She cried out again her voice slightly deeper.

“Yes baby!” Fíli screamed. “Oh sister, sister, sister!” He repeated the word over and over again like a mantra. “Sister, sister, sister!” Fíli continued like this, screaming for his sister and thrusting hard until he finally released inside the hired dwarrow-dam.

Sarí immediately relaxed as she felt Fíli’s softening member slip from her body. She crawled from the bed and wondering into her washroom, picking up a damp, cold cloth from a basin of freezing water. She scrubbed her genitals vigorously, trying to get as much as possible before it started dribbling out. Although she would rather it came out then stayed inside! Sarí stilled in her routine when a terrifying sob echoed around her rooms. She peeked back inside the bedroom and her blood chilled.

The lonely dwarf was sobbing into her pillow, lying mournfully on his side. Sarí lowered her eyes to her customer’s hands and instantly regretted it. The blond had picked open the closing wounds on his hands, watching the blood flow out onto her white sheets. But apparently it hadn’t been enough. With his left hand Fíli was holding Sarí’s razor and was slowly dragging it over his right wrist, slicing the blood vessels open over and over again, working slowly but surely towards the vital veins.

“What the fuck are you doing?!” Sarí screamed jumping on the bed, trying desperately to pull the blade out of Fíli’s grasp.

Fíli struggled as Sarí tried to pin him down using her legs. He was much stronger than she was but he was also a weeping, bleeding mess! Sarí managed to pull the blade out of his grasp and threw it across the room. The moment the blade left his hand Fíli curled up into a limp, lifeless ball, burying his long nose into his hands and weeping to himself. His sobs were the only thing convincing Sarí that he was still alive. The lonely girl sighed. She wished this was the first time this had happened.

“It’s alright darling,” She whispered, scooping the whimpering boy into her arms, rocking him back and forth gently. Fíli felt strange being in this position for once but accepted the comfort, nuzzling his face into Sarí’s breasts.

“…Sister…”

***

After two hours of shoving against it, her shoulder bruised and purple, the window finally fell open. Kíli jumped down, allowing herself a little dance of joy! She picked up her bag and threw it out of the window before jumping on Fíli’s bed to crawl through the window. Luckily she was wearing her mother’s old work dress so she did not mind getting it covered in cobwebs, mud and leaves as she wriggled through the dirt.

Kíli closed her eyes and breathed in the fresh air. Grated she’d only been inside for a day but knowing that she could not escape had made her feel like the walls were crawling in closer and closer towards her. She stretched her arms up to the sky, holding in a scream of delight. She could not risk waking anybody. Kíli grabbed her pack and threw it over her shoulder, ready to head off into the world.

As she turned around, a mewl stopped her in her tracks.

She turned around to face her only remaining friend who was sitting by the broken widow, looking up at her with woeful eyes. Kíli smiled weakly before picking up Socks to cuddle him close- one last time.

“I’m sorry sweetie,” She said softly as he nuzzled her face. “You have to stay.” Sock yowled as if in protest, almost making Kíli giggle. “I love you Socks. Promise you’ll never forget me? I’ll always remember you.” Kíli kissed the old fat cat on his head before placing him lovingly on the ground. Socks sat there, continuing to look up at his mistress. Kíli was worried that Socks might try to follow her. But he was surprisingly obedient, sitting there staring at her as she walked away from her family home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even if GreenSorceress and Willaswillow are the only people still reading this, I hope you guys enjoyed! XD


	12. New Beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kíli sets up a new life for herself, away from her family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so it's literally been years. 
> 
> I stopped writing for this fandom because of a lot of abuse I was getting, mainly on tumblr. I wasn't impressed with the final film, particularly the way the spot light was given to the OCs and the way things ended between Kíli and Fíli (also Legolas!) And I was very vocal about this. Some people, weren't happy about this and decided that because I didn't approve of the new characters it made me a sexist, a purist and a stupid person. People who commented and liked this fic, along with many others, turned against me, tagging their own meanings onto things I'd said and accusing me of feeling things that I had never implied that I did, telling me I knew nothing about Tokien because I didn't agree with them. The abuse got more aggressive, and there were actually people telling me that I deserved to die, that I deserved to be raped, that I should kill myself and that I was a stain on humanity. Because of this, I found it hard to even be around anything to do with this fandom (which was kinda hard considering that I had a bunch of merch and several Tolkien tattoos.) I've suffered from depression for many years and I've even tried to kill myself in the past, so hearing these things, even from strangers was hard for me. Even today all my memorabilia that I've collected for over ten years is in my Grandparent's attic. 
> 
> If you do like the films, the OCs, the endings, then that's great! But others didn't and it doesn't make them lesser fans then you and certainly doesn't make them lesser people. And no matter how unreasonable you think a person is being, do you think harassing them and insulting them makes you a better person? There are actions from the time that I regret, but I certainly don't think I deserved what happened to me. 
> 
> The reason I'm continuing is because I still get messages now asking me if I have plans to write more. There are so many works here that I left unfinished, which is a shame because I've been writing for this fandom for well over a decade, long before The Hobbit films were even conceived, using characters from all books. I want back the relationship with these books that I once had. They helped me through some really tough times in my childhood, which makes it even more painful when I thought they were the cause of this abuse. But they weren't the cause- stupid people were the cause. And I don't want them to take away something I loved because of a silly film. I haven't even read The Lord of the Rings or The Hobbit since then, and I used to read them once a year! The Hobbit film seems to have disappeared now, although the books will live on forever. 
> 
> And now that my therapeutic rant is over, I hope that at least one more person will read this. And if they don't, then that's okay too! I'll be aiming at finishing all my old stories, although I make no promises to start new ones after that. We'll see.

Kíli walked all night to the brewery, arriving shortly after dawn. She did not look back once. Nor did she think of her mother or her brother and especially not her uncle. So, exhausted, hungry and in desperate need of a bath, the young girl knocked on the tall wooden door of her new workplace. As she waited she raised a hand to her cheek, almost sighing in relief when she felt her soft skin. Luckily for her the woman who answered the door was the same woman who had approached her several weeks ago. She recognised Kíli immediately, beckoning her inside with a smile. The middle-aged woman raised an eyebrow at Kíli’s appearance but did not say a word. She knew from their last meeting that she was a fairly troubled young lady.

The woman, who introduced herself as Maia, directed Kíli towards the washroom. Thankful for the sturdy lock on the door she allowed herself to relax, stripping herself of her dirty travel dress before drawing herself a warm bath. She washed the dust and dirt from the road away from her small body, taking extra care with the bruises the stranger had left on her. Afterwards Kíli was able to look down on her body with a sense of serenity she had never had before. Never again would she have to suffer the abuse from her uncle or the neglect from her mother. She was her own woman now. Her life was in her own hands.

Kíli rooted through her bag for her razor, her fear of body hair creeping up on her. She shaved every single inch of her body, leaving her skin smooth and soft. Just the way she liked it. Even if it was only for her benefit.

Kíli dressed in a set of clean clothes- a plain green dress and the only one she could fit in her pack. It was not her most flattering dress or her most convenient. But it was hers. Everything that was in her pack was hers. No more, no less. None of the items were fancy or clean but each one meant more to her than anything she had left behind in her family home. She looked at herself in the grimy mirror, misty after the bath. She pulled her long hair back into a bun, tying it together with a piece of string she found on the floor. She smiled to herself. Her life was about to begin.

*

Kíli worked harder that day than she ever had before. She had spent hours sweeping every inch of the vast building but it had not even made a shred of difference. The floor was still covered in grains, mud and dust from weeks of neglect. Kíli shuddered to think what it would look like were she not there to clean it up. Even so her back ached, her shoulders were sore and she was almost in tears from exhaustion. She felt like she had been awake for ten years! All she wanted to do was to go home and go to bed. Except she did not have a home. Or a bed. Kíli hid in the washroom, waiting for everyone else to leave for their own homes and warm beds, before she snuck out, tiptoeing through the darkness. She was terrified. Maybe because, as she came to realise, this was the first time in her life she did not know where Fíli was. Or when she would see him again. But a stronger part of her wished she never would.

Kíli made herself a scratchy bed amongst the bays of barely, shoving her small body inside an empty burlap sack. Despite her heavy exhaustion it took hours for Kíli to finally find sleep. Every time she felt her eyes close she would hear the scuttle of a quick rat or the rattle of a rogue branch against the window. Despite her brother’s betrayal Kíli could not help but long for his strong arms to hold her tight, kissing her hair and whispering words of comfort in her ear. She missed Socks and his gentle purring that served as her lullaby. The young, lonely girl curled up in her sack, shivering in cold and fear.

*

Kíli woke at dawn, forcing her eyes to open and begging her legs to work. Her muscles ached and her neck was too stiff to move. Nether the less she powered through the day’s work, desperate to make a good impression. She had to impress Maia, had to show her that hiring her was not a mistake. She could not bear the thought of living on the streets- but she could not return to her Uncle’s house. Many times throughout the day Kíli’s ribs begged her to remove her bodice, but Kíli could not bring herself to do it. She shuddered to think what would happen if she was discovered. Kíli was finally at peace, in a world where she was not judged. She was just Kíli. That was worth the pain.

After days of backbreaking, muscle aching work and cold nights filled with fear and very little sleep, Kíli let out a sigh of relief when the end of the working week came. Maia handed Kíli her pay, causing her face to light up. This was her money. She did have to beg or steal it from Thorin. She could spend it on whatever she liked. She had earned it.

“Do you have somewhere to go?” Kíli turned to see one of the other work girls smiling at her.

“Beg pardon?” Kíli said smiling.

“Do you have somewhere to go tonight?” The girl asked again. “For a drink and some food. There is a small pub about five minutes from here. It’s where we often go in the evening. I was wondering if you’d like to come with us. I’m Cesí by the way.”

“Kíli,” Kíli said smiling. She was still a little nervous around the other workers, terrified they would find out who she was or where she had come from. But Cesí seemed nice enough. She had a very friendly smile and Kíli’s stomach growled at the thought of a decent meal. For the last few days she had lived off stolen oats from a bag in the backroom which she had mixed with water to create a thin, tasteless porridge. “When are you leaving?” She asked excitedly.

“In about an hour,” Cesí said. “We’ll meet you near the front.”

Kíli hurried into the washroom, staring at herself in the mirror. Her green dress was now covered in dust and grime, torn in this place and that. She pulled her plain travel dress out of her bag, hoping that it would still make a better replacement. It was dull and scratchy, but she had managed to wash the road off it during the week and it would do for the evening. Hopefully she would be able to wash the green dress and repair it tomorrow. Maybe she’d be able to afford a new dress from the market. She brushed her hair, gave herself another quick shave and tried to smooth the creases out of her dress the best she could.

When she was at least fairly satisfied with her appearance Kíli raced outside, hoping the other girls had not left yet. She beamed when she saw them all standing outside, waiting for the dwarf.

“You took your time,” Cesí said laughing. “Come on then.”

Kíli practically skipped under her skirts, heading towards the tavern with a new air of confidence. She knew no-one in this area. No-one would stop her or tell her what to do. She was going to have a good night!

When they sat down at the table Cesí gave her the names of the rest of the girls. There were around fifteen of them and Kíli found it impossible to remember what each of them were called; but as the evening rolled on and the drink flowed she began to pick them up. She laughed with them, playing games and sharing stories. She did not feel shy ordering a large plate of food, large enough to feel the stomach of Mister Dwalin twice over. Nor did she feel shy about attacking it like a starving dwarf! After only a few hours she felt so close to them, like she had a whole new set of friends.

“So what brings you here Kíli?” Asked Belle, a short, mousy haired girl.

“How do you mean?” Kíli said confused, returning to the table with another round of drink.

“We do not see many dwarves around here,” Elle explained, a golden, porcelain girl with a slightly eerie smile. “I thought your people did not travel too far from the mountains.”

“We do not,” Kíli replied shrugging. “But I was offered this position back in my home town and I felt like a fresh start. I’ve never travelled very far from home.”

“Did you live with your parents?”

“My mother yes,” Kíli continued. “My father died before I was born. It’s always been my mother, her older brother and my own.” Kíli looked at her empty plate, her heart feeling the same. She had done her best not to think of Fíli the past few days, with relative success.

“Do you miss them?” Cesí asked.

“No,” Kíli said honestly. “They never liked me much. They never… Approved of me…”

“I am so sorry, Darling!” Said Leva, a frightfully tall, dark skinned girl with kind eyes that seemed almost maroon. She reached over to place her hand gently on top of Kíli’s.

“It’s alright,” Kíli said smiling. “Although it is frightening starting over again, looking after myself and all that. The money I earned today is all the coin I have in the world.” She blushed after revealing so much, feeling a little ashamed of herself. The girls however gasped in shock, overwhelmed with sympathy for their new work friend.

“Do you have anywhere to live?” Elle asked.

“I’ve been sleeping at the brewery,” Kíli admitted. “Amongst some old sacks.”

“Oh you poor dear!” Elle threw her arms around Kíli’s neck, pulling her in close, shoving her face into her bosom.

“You can stay with me!” Cesí exclaimed, handing Kíli her leftover cheese.

“Really?” Kíli said, wide eyed and excited.

“Of course!” Cesí smiled at her, making a face Kíli would not expect to see on a friend of ten years. “We can make you a bed. There is not much room, but it is warm and a lot deal safer than spending a night in the brewery. The house belonged to my Great Aunt who passed away last spring, so we don’t pay rent there.” Kíli felt tears prickle at the corner of her eyes. She had never known such kindness.

“Thank-you,” She whimpered, taking another drink.

*

Kíli and the girls stumbled home in the early hours of the morning, grinning like wild cats. Kíli felt very pleased with herself. Her belly was filled with good food and fine ale and she had managed to acquire, finally, a fresh pouch of tobacco. She savoured the fine smoke, inhaling deeply, letting it free her nerves and release her tension. In her joy she collapsed against Cesí, feeling the urge to sing. The older girl laughed, wrapping an arm around her new friend.

“You have a lovely smile!” She said giggling. Kíli blushed. Despite her nights out with the cruel strangers, she was unused to genuine compliments.

“Thank-you,” Kíli said giggling. “Although I could never compare myself to any of you.”

“Of course you could,” Leva said, her speech slurred with drink. “You could compare yourself to all of us and come out the better.”

Kíli looked the human girls up and down, unsure why they were giving her such wonderful praise.

“Why do you say that?” She asked. “I am not a beauty. Not by the standards of dwarves or men.” Leva just laughed and kissed her cheek.

“Beauty is not just in our hair and noses as men would have us believe,” She said, draping her arm over her shoulder alongside Cesí’s. “A beautiful woman is one like you. Who makes her own life despite what others think of her. You left your home without a husband to build your own life. That makes you one of the most beautiful people I know.”

Kíli could feel her mouth go dry. Maybe it was the beer more than Leva’s words, but she could not help but feel proud of herself. Leva was right. She had focused far too much on making the perfect dresses, making the perfect breasts and having the most perfect face she could. For what? The approval of men who had treated her like a common tart? So Thorin would see her as a woman?

“I am a beautiful woman…” She whispered softly, feeling extremely overwhelmed.

“The most beautiful,” Cesí agreed.

*****

Cesí had not lied. Her Aunt’s old cottage was very small. But it was only half a mile from the brewery and upon stepping inside Kíli could feel the heat on her face, despite the fires not being lit all day. There was a large make-shift bed in the centre of the room, filled with soft pillows and rugs. Despite being concerned what sleeping in her bodice and breasts would do to her ribs, Kíli could not repress the squeal of happiness that escaped her as she collapsed on the homemade mattress.

“It’s wonderful!” She cried. “So wonderful!” Cesí laughed, collapsing down next to her.

“Thank you, but it really isn’t. This is it you know, it’s only this room.”

Kíli thought back to her first night out with Fíli, when he ended up at Linfred’s small room.

“I’ve been in worse places,” She said shrugging, not wanting to bring her old life into her new.

“I imagine so,” Leva sighed, rolling over next to them. “Kíli do you mind if I ask you something?”

“Of course,” Kíli said, sitting up slightly, wincing as her breasts compressed her chest a little.

“What forced you out here?”

“I told you,” Kíli said, feeling a little nervous. “My family never approved of me.”

“But what didn’t they approve of?”

Kíli swallowed, not knowing what to say. Her new friends had been incredibly kind to her so far, but that didn’t mean that they would be happy to hear her secret.

“You don’t have to answer,” Cesí said quickly, getting up to pull a bottle of wine from the cabinet.

“Yes, sorry,” Leva said, giving her a reassuring smile. “I was just curious. It’s just what you said about your brother and your uncle. None of us have great backstories.”

“My Mother threw me out of the house five years ago,” Cesí said, filling their glasses. “When she found out I was pregnant.” She closed her eyes, swirling her drink in her glass. “I told her that it was her husband, that I didn’t want to… But he told her that I was lying and that’s all she needed to hear. My Aunt took me in and looked after me. I do not know what would have happened to me if she had abandoned me too. I gave up my baby, but my mother still wouldn’t have anything to do with me. That’s how I ended up at the brewery.” Leva leaned over and kissed Cesí on the cheek.

“I had this… friend,” Leva said carefully, as if she was expecting Kíli to judge. “I met her when I was a small child and as we got older we just gradually became close. Ma never suspected anything- until she walked in on us one night. That’s the last time I ever saw either of them. Last I heard my friend was sent to a convent.”

Kíli rested her arms over her friend’s shoulders, as they had done earlier that night. She could feel her heart thumping in her chest. She didn’t want to tell her story, but she did feel that she owed her friends at least something.

“I sort of… Went a little wild,” Kíli admitted. “My Uncle was really protective and strict. I wanted a break from him so I started going at night and sleeping around with all these men. Then one night this man… He got a little aggressive.”

“Oh Darling,” Cesí cuddled into her.

“He didn’t do anything,” Kíli said quickly. “My brother found us and stopped him in time.” She decided to leave out the part where he slit the pervert’s throat. “When my Uncle found out what I had been doing he locked me in my bedroom. I broke out that night and ran away.” Kíli blushed a little. While she knew she had left out parts of her story, she couldn’t help but find it tame next to the stories of her companions.

“That’s awful!” Leva said, looking shocked.

“Really?” Kíli replied, feeling rather confused.

“Of course, no-one has the right to keep you locked up,” Leva said, refilling the wine glasses. “It’s awful the way some men feel they can just control their daughters and nieces, keeping them caged like dogs.”

“He won’t find you here,” Cesí promised. “Your brother sounds very noble though.”

“Yes, he is,” Kíli admitted.

“Are you sure you don’t miss just him?” Leva asked. Kíli thought for a moment.

“I do.”

She fell asleep snuggling in-between the two women, Cesí’s hair tickling her nose. Before she drifted off, she saw Fíli’s face behind her eyes and for a brief moment, she imagined it was him holding her once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This and the next chapter are actually chapters I wrote before I stopped, so there will at least be one more chapter! (Just kidding, I'll finish this time.)

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave comments! ;-) (Nice ones this time.)


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